A lesson in chaos
With the new ceasefire, Ukraine and Russia need to learn to fake it.
MINSK – With the newly-signed ceasefire between Ukraine and the East Ukrainian separatists in jeopardy hours after its signature, officials from Russia, Ukraine, the European Union, and the rebel forces have agreed to bring in Israeli and Palestinian advisers so as to get a better idea of how to break ceasefires repeatedly in a professional manner.
The Carillon, using its patented sex panther-esque journalism reporting skills, has obtained details of how the European belligerents plan to transform their growing conflict into a Middle East-style perpetual conflict.
Said one official, “We see no permanent resolution for this conflict in sight that would satisfy all parties. Therefore, our next-best plan is to keep this conflict localized but perpetual in the manner of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. In that respect, both the Israelis and Palestinians should have plenty of new ideas for us.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu seemed receptive to the idea, saying that this would give Israeli conflict resolution methods the respect they deserve.
“Finally, this will give the BDS goyim assholes the what for. We will be able to show that the techniques we used in defense of our land can be used to bring peace, of a sorts.”
Despite this, he expressed concern that there seemed to be no plans for either side to build settlements.
“Obviously, that needs to change. You cannot have an enduring conflict without settlement building goals,” said Netanyahu.
Palestinian officials said they looked forward to teaching both the rebel forces and Russia on how to carry out their side of the conflict.
A senior Hamas official said, “While the rebel forces certainly know how to fight, they are too mobile and victorious. If they want to keep this conflict ongoing, they need to learn how to give up territory and fight with inaccurate, ranged weapons. Also, Russia needs to get better at coming up with excuses for supporting the rebels. I mean, vacationing soldiers? Come on. No Hezbollah fighter would dare use such an excuse.”
Despite helping come up with the plan, the Russians expressed reservations about it.
“Never in the history of the Russian Federation have we ever left a conflict unresolved. Seriously, I’d prefer another Chechen disaster compared to this permanent war show. If there’s one thing we like, it’s either bloody victories or bloody defeats. But this? This is just bloody… something.”
The international community reacted positively to this development with world stock markets gaining ground, led primarily by various international arms companies. This, in turn, prompted the U.S. State Department to issue a press release saying that this development could undermine sanctions against Russia by boosting Kalashnikov exports. In a later press release, the U.S. Department of Defense said that it would address this issue by boosting the number of troops in Europe, including a permanent base in Ukraine.
Said U.S. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey, “It is important that America moves to contain the crisis before any blowback can occur.”