Preparing the U of R for the inevitable.
Author: John Loeppky
With the deadline for campus club certification fast approaching, we decided to interview one of the lesser-known groups at the University of Regina: The Doomsday Preparation Association (DPA).
Thinking that this is just a bunch of fake fear mongering? Well, have you seen the news lately? CNN has turned into ENN (The Ebola News Network) and new disasters are coming to our attention each week. Some students around the university have even begun discussing the possible need for them to isolate themselves in a plastic bubble. As fourth-year science major Katie Tugenberg told us, “I just think it’s scary, you know? I mean, the world could end tomorrow and we wouldn’t be ready for it. That’s why I’ve begun stocking up on non-perishable food items and am currently drafting my will. You always have to be constantly vigilant!”
The DPA is always looking for new members, although they prefer to stay anonymous. Once such member informed me that the average student laughs when they find out about a person’s involvement with the group. The overly-sensitive and downright crazy twit I spoke to cited disrespectful language as his main reasons for staying quiet, but noted that his membership within the club has allowed him the opportunity to work on his germ eradication techniques.
Though their cause is not generally championed, the group is steadily readying themselves for our society’s impending doom. To say that they are alone in this pursuit of safety is to ignore their willingness to work as part of a team. I recently spoke to association president Gertrude “McDangerous” McDaniels who has assured me that the group is more than willing to work with other student-led groups, as she says, “Well, for a start, the creative writing group helped us write our manifesto and the psych students have facilitated a number of workshops for our members to aid them in identifying and combatting any psychotic urges that might present themselves should they be faced with the prospect of a planet that is reduced to a desolate wasteland.”
As with any pre-apocalypse defense plan, a safe-spot has to be located. Such a haven does exist on the U of R campus, says McDaniels, “It was hard to locate it at first, but we have three distinct options that we are currently voting on. One is the education lounge, it’s the biggest student society space on campus and has cheery decor for us to look at as we whither away. Our second choice is the weight room. In order to survive in any dystopian future, according to the kin majors, one has to stay in shape, eat only the correct types of ramen noodles, and make sure to feast on the healthy bodies first before moving on to the less desirable, sickly ones. Our other destination of choice would be the astronomy lab, because there’s nothing like staring at stars while you contemplate your own mortality.”
If you would like to join the DPA, you are urged to contact Ms. McDaniels. Though she can be hard to understand at times, what with the plastic bubble she rolls around in consistently getting in the way, she is more than happy to add you to her list of future meals, I mean, recruits.