An open letter from Tom Chase: Humour

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It has been brought to my attention that combining faculties and departments, as innovative and groundbreaking as it is (please save your applause until the end), is not enough to drag this university out from the financial pitfalls it finds itself in. So, come the 2013-2014 year, the University of Regina will not only begin combining the academic portions of the institution; the University of Regina will begin combining its athletic programs not only to find financial efficiencies, though it will (once again, please hold your applause until the end. You’re all too kind), but this will also make the University of Regina a far more prestigious school.

This decision stems from the idea of amalgamating the academic areas of the university. Science and Engineering? All numbers, formulas, and other BS of that nature; same shit. Applied Health and Human Sciences? All deal with people and bodies or something; same shit. Arts and Fine Arts? All not getting jobs; same shit. As you can expect, many people denounced this with ludicrous cries of, “But-but-but History and Philosophy aren’t the same thing!”. Yeah, they are; they’re both dumb.

Anyways, this lead to my thinking, why does amalgamation have to stop at the academic side of the university? And then it dawned on me that it doesn’t (oh, hell, you can clap now). Athletics all involve physical exertion, so really how different could they be? Some of these possible combinations include:
–    Curling and hockey (both ice sports)
–    Wrestling/track & field/cross country (FULL CONTACT RACING. FUCK YEAH.)
–    Volleyball and swimming (boom, water polo team)
–    Football and basketball (both sports that use balls; same shit)
– Combine all the mens’ sports teams (all the players have balls; same shit)

The greatest part about this is the prestige this will bring to the University of Regina. No other school in the country is even remotely as innovative as us. Moreover, think of all the trophies we’d win in all of the made-up events wherein we’re the only competitors. Just imagine: 2013/14 CIS Champions in Footsketball (smd, Laval).

Oh, but don’t think amalgamating Vice-President positions would EVER EVER EVER work. It definitely wouldn’t. Nope. Nopenopenope. Don’t even go there. We all have very important and very distinct jobs. Don’t even think about it.

Regards,
Thomas “Tom Foolery” Chase

Provost & Vice-President (Academic)
Inay ouryay ollmentenray Iay eesay opeshay anday eamsdray

P.S. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Paul Bogdan
Turd

Photo courtesy of the Regina Leader-Post

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