Beer and groaning on the Campaign Trail ‘15
Dr. Escott announces bid for URSU presidency.
You goddamn journalists are all the same. No respect for people’s time/severe paranoia. Sorry, these are late in coming. When my computer notified me of your email, I promptly threw a half-full bottle of bourbon at it. As far as I’m concerned, you owe me a new computer and a new bottle of bourbon.
However, I like your work with the Carillon. As long as the public library has computers, I might let it slide. Ho ho.
Carillon: Dr. Escott, what are the major aims of your campaign?
Dr. E: First, the floor of the university will be torn out at once, to be replaced with sod. All transport will be done by foot, or by a fleet of bicycles maintained by campus security. THINK ABOUT IT! We can go around barefoot, for chrissake!
The name of the organization will be changed by public referendum to Ungrateful Reactionaries Suitably Understood. It’s more imaginative than the Students’ Union.
The Paul J. Hill School of Business will be shut down, to be replaced by an organization to help support young entrepreneurs in the field of “pharmaceuticals” (ho ho).
It will be the sole responsibility of the Office of the President to severely harass anyone involved in budget-fucking. We need to balance the thing before we blow it all.
Carillon: How do you feel about the current state of URSU?
Dr. E: URSU is populated by plastic little farts that will shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time. I sincerely hope to be elected to their offices in Spring 2015.
Carillon: What made you want to run for President?
Dr. E: It occurred to me that we need a change. If my kind of platform can be accepted in Regina, freak capital of Saskatchewan, it might encourage other students’ unions to follow suit.
Carillon: What are your thoughts on your running mates?
Dr. E: What my long-haired opponents fail to see is that student politics shouldn’t be about who can fuck each other the quickest and the hardest, but working towards some modicum of the common good. How would people feel about a tuition freeze instead of high school-minded bickering? Huh? HUH?!
Carillon: Why did you choose the Carillon as your means to announce your bid for presidency?
Dr. E: As I said, I quite enjoy your newspaper. If, for example, I demanded vans or trucks full of beef, coffee, propaganda, check lists, and bound Xerox copies of all Regina voting laws, you seem like you’d be the most liable to provide them, unlike those twisted mutants at the Leader-Post.
Carillon: What is your key to happiness, and why should we vote for you?
Dr. E: I would hate to advocate sex, coffee, or insanity to anyone, but it’s worked for me. What people fail to realize is that this university can be saved, Bubba! Remember, a man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance. In much the same way choosing animal pleasures has got us this far, choosing Dr. Kyle Escott for president can save you all.