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Top 5 places to poop on campus

Loving the pooping life! / Brett Nielsen
Loving the pooping life! / Brett Nielsen

Ever have that moment when your guts start rumbling in the middle of class and you know you need to drop a deuce, but you don’t want the whole world to hear it? Well, folks, read on, and check out the top 5 places to poop on campus.

5. The gender neutral bathroom close to Subway

This is an ideal pooping destination. Your own single-stall privacy complimented with a fairly roomy space and a door that locks. While pooping here between classes makes for an even more peaceful poop where you can just sit down, relax, and let it drop, pooping here while the halls are bustling allows for you to let ‘er rip as loud as possible, and, chances are, no one will hear you due to the chattering and click-clacking of shoes in the hallway.

 4. The two bathrooms beside the Paul Schwann Centre in the Fitness Center

Here, my friends, you have the choice between two single-stall washrooms which both offer sincerely wonderful shitting environments. These bathrooms are not as popular as the other Fitness Centre bathroom when you first walk in; they’re located in a far less crowded area of the gym, and they’re close to the track (where many runners huff and puff, have their head phones in, etc.), so you can poop as hard and as loud as you want, and, chances are, no one will hear you! You can walk away from that poop feeling light enough to continue your workout.

3. The bathroom on the 4th floor of the Library

Generally, this bathroom is pretty private even though it is not a single-stall one, because not many people have the courage to poop in quiet places. This bathroom is specifically the prime location to proudly burst forth your bowel movement with no shame. If you’re the type of person who likes to let ‘em rip as loudly as possible for the purpose of making others feel uncomfortable, then the 4th floor library bathroom is the pooping place for you!

2. The gender neutral bathroom on the second floor of Riddell

This bathroom is tucked away down a short hallway, so it’s out of earshot from the general public, making for an incredibly relaxing environment to let your turds plummet out. The bathroom itself is quite large, allowing for some pretty stellar acoustics to enhance your pooping experience. At the mouth of the hallway leading to this bathroom is actually a Carillon newspaper stand, so, if you’re not in any sort of diarrhea rush, grab an issue of the Carillon, and take it with you while you poop.

1. The handicap bathroom right past the Subway in the Lab building

For those of you who enjoy taking daring poops, try this one out for size. If this bathroom is not occupied, even if you’re not a person with a handicap, feel free to take a poop in it! It’s spacious, and it even has a lift if you want to get a mini carnival ride onto the holy porcelain pooper. Blow your poop out loud and proud, flush, and look both ways before walking out so people don’t think you’re a huge jerk for using the handicap bathroom when you’re not a person with a handicap.

There we have it champs! Although the toilet paper in every bathroom at the U of R sucks and feels likes sandpaper ripping apart your poor anal cavity (we call it production butt at the Carillon, as we are here so long), these top 5 places to poop on campus should make your pooping experiences at least a little better.

About Destiny Kaus

Former carillon production manager/arts editor/arts writer.