COD of War
God deploying the ultimate Care Package./ Spencer Reid
What if life was a certain video game that felt like an action movie?
HEAVEN- In a further demonstration of the Carillon’s sexual panther-esq investigative reporting skills, our investigative team has managed to get God to disclose an important secret: he rewinds the universe whenever a soldier gets killed in battle. Specifically he chooses a soldier, usually American, to accomplish an epic quest that protects the free world, and makes sure that he never fully dies in battle.
“In My perfect will, I choose one soldier to serve My goals in the world,” the Holy Father said. “I bestow upon My Chosen One the benefits of My Active Vision to accomplish a series of objectives within several campaigns, all leading up to form a perfect accomplishment of My will.”
Despite the divine power such a soldier would have, God admits that He is not always able to prevent the blessed man from dying. He said, “Due to the inherent free will each human has, I cannot prevent another enemy soldier from killing My Chosen One. Therefore, I have to resurrect him and take him back to a point in time before he died.” God admits that this process happens “more frequently than I would like.”
In describing some of His more trying quests, God revealed that, as He is in charge of the evil spirits and the angels, He invites Satan and his cohorts to increase the difficulty level of his quests. “Eventually, I get tired of defeating easy-level enemies, so I allow the forces of darkness to increase their competence. It really makes the Russians a force to be reckoned with,” the Lord said as a smile appeared on his face. The smile quickly vanished when the Lord went on, “At the same time, these fights can really be unfair. For some reason, devil-possessed guerrillas like throwing grenades all over the place. Also, there seem to be more of them that just spawn out of thin air.”
Continuing, God complained, “I mean, it’s total cherubim droppings. I surround My Chosen One with near-invincible squad-mates, including a British sidekick, and commanding officers, put him in the most effective special forces units in the world, hinder his enemies’ aim, and give him precise markers for where his objectives are. Sometimes, I even give him visions as to where he should place the explosive packages. And still some Russian soldier or Latin American guerrilla manages to put a bullet in him. I really hate rewinding time, but I have no choice; the quest must be completed.”
The Carillon also interviewed people on Earth as to what they thought of this revelation. Avid wheelchair basketball player John Loeppky exclaimed, “So THAT’S why my wheelchair felt slower some times.” Editor-in-Chief Michael Chmielewski, despite not being prompted for an opinion, immediately cursed God for lengthening the time it took to produce another Carillon issue. On the other hand, computer science major Ahsan Amjad said, “That soldier better be Captain f’ing America, otherwise God made a bad call.”
The Carillon will have more on this story as it develops.
