Cougars and Rams to replace doctor’s office
Sports funnies have returned
With the Faculty of Kinesiology and Health studies having commandeered the space that used to be the home of the campus’ only medical centre, the leadership of the Rams and Cougars have decided that their players will be trained as medical practitioners. The decision was made, according to one totally real not at all fabricated source, because the University of Regina figures they can kill two birds with one feline.
“The U of R really decided to go all-in on their image as a health-hating university and what better way to reinforce that than to replace the only medical supports with athletes whose average hovers dangerously close to the U SPORTS cut off. Why not utilize the space, give back some semblance of health support, and give the Cougars more room to stretch their legs?”
Volleyball players will be in charge of injury prevention, the Rams will be taking on concussion protocol (having sustained so many they have become the control group for brain damage), the men’s basketball team will conduct anything that involves international intervention, the swimming team will hold aqua therapy sessions, and the men’s hockey team will do absolutely nothing. The puck buddies have been shut out because, apparently, they can only be trusted to lose things.
One group angry about the decision is VCAB who, once again, feel hard done by in this astonishingly predictable arrangement. One athlete on the basketball team said that the entire operation is a sham.
“First we aren’t taken seriously as a movie-inspired sport, then we’re denied funding for God knows what reason, and now they won’t even let us touch patients. I mean, what next? Are they going to tell us we aren’t athletes or that Trey Parker isn’t a very serious actor?”
One softball athlete said they think their team has far more experience with concussions than any of the Rams. Said athlete also claimed that faith-based healing could be a way of supporting those in need.
“The Rams think they have it tough, but a football doesn’t cause a concussion nearly as easily as a damn softball. They tell us to get our heads out of the way of the pitches, but realistically we’re not on scholarship so we need a tangible excuse for having bad grades that isn’t a talent at slamming into each other.”
“The whole team has come together and prayed about it. We’ve talked to Briercrest, we always pray together too. They think we can come together with God and really change lives. We think it’s the devil’s work that the campus hasn’t considered the Bible approach in its medical practices. Anything’s better than having your only doctor’s office across the street next to a McDonalds.”
One Cougars athlete, who we are not naming for safety reasons, is excited to be part of the new medical training program.
“I’m hoping they experiment on me like some version of Captain America. I could play on every team and then we might actually be able to win games. I could be the dude bro that resurrects the wrestling and men’s volleyball teams. Hell, if they filled me up with some serum I might actually be able to dunk.”
The athletic department is cautiously optimistic that the approach will work. With growing scandals in the Saskatchewan medical community, the U of R views this as a risk-free proposition and a valuable use of the useless (read: not income producing) space in the Kin building.
