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Don’t tickle me, Elmo

Your childhood may be ruined

I'm Not Angry
Kyle Leitch

A&C Writer

In my never-ending quest to destroy the tenets of student journalism as we know it, I've decided that this article is going to have a special twist to it. It does, however, require that you keep this specific issue of the Carillon around for a long time to come.   

Recently, Kevin Clash, AKA the most famous actor you've never heard of, was accused by multiple men of having sexual relations with them while they were still minors. This is a pretty big deal in and of itself. It’s been made all the bigger because, since 1982, Clash has been voicing and controlling Elmo and various other puppets on Sesame Street. Following these allegations, Clash resigned as the voice and puppeteer of Elmo, stating that he didn't want any of this controversy to taint Sesame Street. And now, for the fun part! It's time for something I call “choose your own aggression adventure!”

1) If Kevin Clash is found guilty of these allegations, read Paragraph A.
2) If Kevin Clash is found innocent, read Paragraph B.
3) You’re going to read them both anyway, making this format moot. Check out Paragraph C!

A) Needless to say, homosexuality is not the issue here; what I take issue with is having sexual relations with minors. It doesn’t matter how “mature” or “consenting” these minors are, laws exist for a reason. Disregarding those laws and exploiting the minors involved, is frankly just sick. If you’re into the "young and innocent" sort of thing, then get a consenting adult to play dress-up, or find a new fucking fetish. It’s unfortunate that Clash was involved with such a prolific kid’s show, because these allegations have tainted it one way or the other.

B) How dare you? You fucking social parasites, you’re so desperate for some attention that you drag a children’s entertainer’s reputation through the muck? You couldn't even leave us Elmo – the last bastion of childhood innocence? Is nothing sacred anymore? Even though Clash is innocent, he'll not find work with children, anymore. I hope you’re all happy with yourselves.

C) Have you no decorum for the Choose Your Own Adventure format? What's the matter with you?

So, there you have it. Three distinct offerings for the ending of a saga of paedophiliac allegations and abandoned puppets. As of writing, there’s still no word on a court date, or how the investigation is even proceeding. For the sanity of my inner child, I hope that Kevin Clash is found innocent. If not, then my child will grow up on a stream of wholesome quality family entertainment, like Slayer's concert DVDs. At least there's no under-aged sex taking place at a Slayer concert. And I'm not angry. Honest.

Photo courtesy Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

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