Drop out now

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Sarcasm at its finest

See ya later, university…/Allan Hall

See ya later, university…/Allan Hall

Well, folks, it’s happening. The 2014-2015 academic year is upon us. My advice?

Drop out now while you still have the chance.

According to the University of Regina’s Associate Vice-President of Resource Planning, Brian Christie, during the 2011-2012 academic year, “81.0% of students who started [their] first year returned to the U of R the following year. This is up from 80.4% the previous year.”

Kindly notice that these statistics focus on student retention (the percentage of students who return to school) rather than on student dropouts (the burnouts who say screw it and peace out of school).

In my humble opinion, I’d say “Hurrah for those lucky little people who fit into that 81%.” But, let’s face it…in all reality, you’re probably in that 19% percent that’s going to drop out. So, you best drop out now and save yourself the looming grief, which will find you and smother you sooner or later.

Yes, if you’re stressed out, struggling in school, and hating life, I guess you could check out the support services at the University of Regina: academic advising, the Student Success Centre, the Career Centre, blah, blah, blah, and blah.

Will these services really help you? Probably not. They’ll likely just prolong the agony of the reality that, yup, you’ll probably drop out anyway.

In contrast to this lovely opinion of mine, Christie suggests that instead of just dropping out ASAP, students should “get engaged with social activities on campus: clubs, intramural sports, etc…[and] consider signing up for UR Guarantee.”

Lame. Why would you want to make friends, join a team, and have fun? Seriously, people. If you join intramurals or some other socially interactive crap, your heart will just ache all the more when you end up dropping out. Not worth it.

In more recent statistics from the University of Regina’s Resource Planning Office, Keith Fortowsky, the Director of Institutional Research states that, “Broadly, our retention has improved annually over the last several years.”

Well, isn’t that encouraging? Nope! Focus on the negative here people…students still drop out, and you’re probably one of those students who will.

In August of 2014, Fortowsky and his Resource Planning team submitted their retention rate stats to Maclean‘s 2014 Questionnaire. They reported on the University of Regina’s retention percentage, which documented “first-time, full-time, [and] first-year undergraduate students enrolled in the 2012 fall term who returned to the institution in the 2013 fall term.”

The results? From the fall term of 2012 to the fall term of 2013, the retention rate was 79.0%. Dang. Looks like that retention rate is dropping. *sad face.*

Fortowsky states, “This rate is actually a slight decrease from what we reported in 2013, which was 81.0%. But, overall, over the last decade, our retention has climbed from the mid 70’s to the low 80’s.”

Mmmm yes, as slight as the decrease is, it’s still a decrease. More students are dropping out. So, why don’t you join that ever-growing population? If you do, you might actually fit in somewhere.

Again, I urge you….drop out now. There is no hope.

Ah, now you might ask “How do I drop out most effectively?” Well, I vote you start by returning all those terrible textbooks you’d never use anyway even if you were in school.

According to the University of Regina Bookstore, textbook “refunds and exchanges [are] allowed up to Sept. 17, 2014,” and, for dropped classes “refunds [are] allowed up to Oct. 15, 2014,” but you must provide documentation with proof that you actually dropped that class.

What a pain in the butt to have to return your books in “mint condition” and include a proof of drop documentation.

Since you probably don’t have time for that in the process of dropping out, you might as well just throw your books around a little, tear ‘em up, and leave ‘em in a garbage bag right outside the Bookstore for the staff to find at their leisure.

I mean, seriously, these books are useless to you now that you’re going to drop out, so why not disrespect the crap out of them? Who cares that you’ll be left with a $500 hole in your pocket? Not me.

By now, I hope you’ve realized that you dropping out is inevitable. So, pay close attention to the following dropout dates (otherwise you might end up royally screwing yourself by missing out on these glorious refunds).

According to the University of Regina’s Academic Schedule, to drop a class with no record left on your transcript, you must drop that class by Sept. 16; to receive a 100% tuition and fee refund, you must drop out of school by Sept. 16; and, to receive a 50% tuition and fee refund, you must drop out of school by Sept. 30.

I won’t even mention the drop dates for the winter ‘cause I highly recommend dropping out before your second semester. The sooner you drop out the better: more substantial refunds and more free time on your hands to do whatever the heck you want…like travel! Woooooooo!

Travel Agent Denise Mihell, who works for Regina’s own Carlson Wagonlit Richert Travel, states “A lot of university students travel to Europe in the fall. But, the Far East, in particular Thailand, is also very popular and incredibly cheap to tour, eat, and drink…with a beautiful climate and spectacular beaches!”

Well, there ya have it folks. Instead of wasting your time in useless classes during the fall, drop out and go travel the world.

“Travelling allows you to learn about new cultures, nationalities, try new food, [and] meet all kinds of people from all different walks of life,” says Mihell. “It opens the mind to understanding people from different cultures and allows you to learn how they live. Travelling is life changing!”

You cannot experience all these things if you’re tied up in school. Seriously, drop out now. You won’t regret it. Heck, let’s face it, it’s probably cheaper to drop out and go travel than it is to pay for tuition and books, especially with all the sick travel discounts available.

Mihell states, “There are a lot of tour operators out there that offer so many special offers year round not just for one particular season, whether it’s an airline seat sale or a discounted offer on a tour, it’s really limitless!”

Boom! There it is y’all! Use all that refund money you got from dropping out to go meander around this large, round earth.

Heck, who knows? Maybe after you’ve actually experienced the world instead of becoming mouldy sitting in a rotting wooden desk for years, you may just want to go back to school to become a Travel Agent and do something you actually enjoy instead of learning about something you hate, like Philosophy.

Mihell became a Certified Travel Agent through a Travel and Tourism course in Winnipeg. “It’s not a position that you can walk into without previous experience,” Mihell says. “We are expected to know about every destination in the world…the market is always changing and we have to move with those changes quickly and efficiently!”

I guess if you’re into that kinda stuff, go grab your back-to-school gear from Walmart and go to Travel Agent School. I mean, if you end up hating it, just drop out…it’s not like you haven’t dropped out of school before.

Here’s how I see it: drop out now, go travel, try Travel Agent School, and if you love it, stick with it and get even sicker travel discounts as a Travel Agent; if you hate it, drop out and spend the rest of your life sitting on your couch watching Netflix and paying rent with all those hard-earned dropout refunds.

Golden. Drop out now, and all your problems will be solved.

*Note: All quotes from Brian Christie, Keith Fortowsky, and Denise Mihell are totally legit. Everything else is complete sarcastic bullshit.

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