Everything wrong with everything

6
110
Party on, Mark

Party on, Mark

McMorris & McMorris is it

Article: Kyle Leitch – Production Manager

Like, omg. It, like, totally, finally happened. There was, like, something so groady on TV that, like, I got…what’s the opposite of smart?

So, like, I’ve been eating this rank smelling tuna and drinking this swan’s blood to get my cognitive capacity past the point that’s usually reserved for the most brain-dead jackanapes! Hallelujah! It looks like my strict intelligential diet has paid off! Now I can cut McMorris & McMorris into ribbons, as it so properly deserves.

The show focuses on the brothers McMorris, Craig and Mark, whom we are all supposed to revere as the shiny golden gods of “extreme” sports. Hey, assclowns! You know what’s more impressive than sliding down a hill on an oblong airbrushed cookie sheet? Literally everything else on the whole damn planet, that’s what. I’ve talked to five-year-olds who are better spoken and engaging than these two bronzed monkeys.

So, the two bastard offspring of Shawn White and an Oompa-Loompa try to bro up every “wacky” situation that the writers of the show imagine the brothers getting into. From doing nothing in a car, to doing nothing in the sea, to pissing around on a snow hill, to causing property damage, there’s nothing that Mark and Craig Mc-White-Loompa won’t do for fifteen fucking minutes of fame.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that these two jabronis are the next in a long list of people that get a nationally syndicated television show for doing bugger all and being arrogant shits about it, we also get cameo appearances from URSU’s own “right, honourable” Mitch Simpson. Honestly, for as much as he adds to the show, the role of Mitch Simpson could have been played by a cucumber. Actually, a casting like that would have added some desperately needed variety to the show. There’s nothing quite like watching Mitch struggle to read the crayon-scribbled cue cards that are being held just out of sight of the camera for him.

The fact that these two have a television show actually speaks to a broader problem with the world. MTV wouldn’t have this kind of a show (nor renew the prick) if they knew that people wouldn’t watch it. Hundreds upon thousands of people crowd in front of their TVs like it’s a museum exhibit and watch with reverent awe as the McMorris brothers do stupid shit, The ‘Human Thumb’ Mama June blows the ass trumpet in church, and Phil Robertson spews hateful anti-gay rhetoric.

The problem isn’t necessarily with McMorris & McMorris. The problem is with everyone else. Since I don’t have the ample time, energy, or lung capacity to shout at everyone lese, though, a review like this will have to do. To add fuel to what has now become the raging hate fire, last production night, I had to read an article championing the antics of these two morons as “realistic television.”

I honestly don’t know why I expected more from the children of a minister from the Saskatchewan Party. I think I’m misplacing my idealism, again. What’s worse, is that these goons keep bringing up their prairie roots, like they’re trying to drag the whole province down with them. My heritage as a person from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada has been cheapened.

For one of the promo commercials on their god-awful website, one of the McMorris brothers says that, “We won’t be talented and incredibly good looking forever.”

Here’s hoping that you don’t fall off of your snowboard and knock your teeth in, kid. And Carpe YOLO makes No. Fucking. Sense!

Screw Flanders, and screw McMorris & McMorris!

Image: xgames.espn.go.com

6 comments

  1. Pete 25 January, 2014 at 12:48

    That was arguably the most pretentious and douchey article I’ve ever read. Not in the least bit surprising from a fine arts major who’ll end up working the gift shop at mackenzie art gallery and likely has never engaged in anything athletic in his angry, uninteresting life. Clearly the show has no intellectual value, you donkey. Its demographic are fourteen year old giddy little girls.. nice insight. Furthermore, I’d like to point out that YOU are the assclown, jackanape and moron for writing such an unprofessional piece of shit. All I can really conclude from this article is a)how much I now dislike you, and how much youve reaffirmed my stark dislike for arts majors b) you’re a jealous, angry twit who uses the carillon at an attempt to spread your ignorant opinion to any hipster, fairy or browner that will listen. Yeah. Obviously, the show isn’t a feat of broadcasting excellence, but it’s two hometown boys making a name for themselves in one of the most unlikely sports for their upbringing and one of them happens to be competing in the Olympics this year as a gold medal favorite. Show some pride, you idiot. I hope you never get work as a journalist. Go get an athropology masters you useless piece of dog scrotum.

  2. Jeff 25 January, 2014 at 19:28

    hahah you’re a fucking joke. Hey do everyone a favour and never voice an opinion about anything ever again. And best of luck with that fine arts degree, congratulations!!

  3. Pete 26 January, 2014 at 15:05

    So snowboarding is a sport for goons and idiots, but you’re a “pro” wrestling fan. You become a bigger clown every day.

  4. Katie 20 February, 2014 at 18:45

    Excuse me? You think that it is easy “sliding down a hill on an oblong airbrushed cookie sheet”? Have you ever been outside your old tuna, granola and overly pretentious hippie cave? You have clearly never done a physical sport and realized the hours of work it takes to become an Olympian. Actually, stay in your cave, I hope to never see you out there, or I will give you some more to worry about in that peanut sized noggin of yours.
    Mark and Craig McMorris have done something that our entire province can be proud of. They are kind, humble and extremely gracious ambassadors for our province in the world of professional snowboarding. They have represented us well at the Olympics, including bringing home medals. Until you spend thousands of gruelling hours training and physically straining your own body to bring back glory for our country, I think you can shut your pretentious fucking mouth and keep it shut as it should be.

  5. Ken 25 February, 2014 at 09:46

    Well, that was a complete waste of time.

    Oh…and you might want to spell check once in awhile. Being a Fine Arts major and all…

Comments are closed.

More News