Extispicy 2012

The Carillon brings you these hot predictions, courtesy of some ritual animal slaughter

John Cameron, Julia Dima, Autumn McDowell, Jonathan Petrychyn, Natasha Tersigni
Nostradami

Here at the Carillon, we like to keep our editorial process edgy, needlessly complicated, and frankly as disgusting as possible. The writing of this year’s news cycle predictions piece was no different. Our editorial staff gathered over the break to train in the ancient Mesopotamian art of extispicy, the divination of the future through animal entrails. A few ritual sacrifices later, and we were able to figure out what you have to look forward to in 2012. Enjoy – we sure did!

Fox lungs: Will and Kate’s first anniversary

After a whirlwind wedding in 2011, the royal power couple will continue to travel the Commonwealth on grandma’s dollar for no other reason than to have thousands of fans swoon in their presence. Quickly, though, Will and Kate will tire of having their asses kissed, and, after a crazy night of gin and clubbing that leaves Kate bruised and battered, we find out that Kate is pregnant. But there are complications with Kate’s pregnancy, which culminates in a gruesome caesarian section caught on film by Hello! Magazine. In a surprising twist, Prince Harry claims the daughter – whom Kate names Cariana –  as his own, launching accusations of infidelity and tearing the Royal Family apart. /Jonathan Petrychyn

Donkey and elephant intestines: US Presidential election

As the long-form dry hump of Conservative ideology that is this election cycle’s Reupublican presidential nomination race reaches its climactic thrusts, the party will almost surely anoint stable-polling moderate and zillionaire charm abyss Mitt Romney as its candidate. Unfortunately for Romney, the only Republican outperforming Obama in current polls is hypothetical non-entity “Republican Candidate,” and since ghosts can’t run for president, Obama is looking at a narrow victory this October – unless the economy craters further, America plunges into another endless war, or the newly-minted National Defense Authorization Act detains some grannies indefinitely or something. /John Cameron

Snake asshole: Stephen Harper’s Government

This year will be fun for the 40.38 per cent of voting Canadians who did not vote for Stephen Harper’s majority Conservative government, and by “fun” I mean “probably a nightmare without end.” Between placing record-setting limits on debate and bullying and intimidating opposition MPs like Megan Leslie and Irwin Cotler, the current Tories are the political equivalent of the rich kid in the pro wrestling shirt who spent all of seventh grade tripping fat kids during recess and making gay jokes instead of working during group projects, turfing everyone’s report cards. By the end of 2012, expect John Baird to noogie Justin Trudeau and then force Trudeau to apologize to parliament for having a “weenie little beard.” /JC

Ant thorax: There are other levels of government too apparently

Lightning round! The Saskatchewan government, which campaigned against reviewing potash royalty rates, will announce by December that it will review potash royalty rates. It will also – rather sensibly! – refuse to commit funding for a new stadium in Regina. In Regina, Mayor Pat Fiacco will stop playing coy and run for mayor again, out of love for Regina, and so should you, and anyways what is your deal, non-Regina-loving person who complains about things. Meanwhile homelessness and drug crime and a precipitous housing bubble or whatever, who cares. Regina! /JC

Whale stomach: Occupy the world

The Occupy movements that swept across North America in 2011 look like they’ve lost steam as we enter the new year. Not so. It’s simply that instead of occupying Wall Street, city parks, and Christmas, protesters will soon be seen occupying minimum wage jobs and overpriced housing. The occupy protests began in a rush of energy and motivation, but winter seemed to slow down the momentum and the new year may see the “We are the 99%” posters hanging in bedrooms instead of lining the streets. /Julia Dima

Beaver lips: The next NDP leader

The opening in the New Democratic Party’s leadership left by Jack Layton’s passing is exactly what dark-horse (and hitherto-undeclared) candidate Stephen Lewis needs to re-invent himself. The Ontario NDP saw its seats in the provincial legislature double under his leadership in the 1975 election. His post-NDP work with the United Nations spanned more than two decades, and he currently runs his own charitable foundation dedicated to HIV/AIDS prevention. This year will be his year to get back into politics. As a bonus, the media will have a good time trying to come up with Stephen vs. Stephen jokes. /NT

Goose liver: The fall of the CBC

In a New Year’s Eve interview with Postmedia’s Randy Boswell, heritage minister James Moore suggested that the CBC’s size and efficiency were directly related, a likely justification for the cuts sure to come down later this year. Facebook petitions will start and people will be in shock citing, “It’s a national symbol that cannot be taken away.” Then a survey will quietly appear online that asks how many hours a week do we actually spend watching/listening to the CBC. The answer will shock the CBC advocates, as it will come back less than one hour for almost everyone, and Harper will have the proof he needs for him to continue to defund the CBC. Sadly, this means a certain funny, good looking, rower/news editor will have to rely on Youtube for her Coronation Street episodes from now on. /Natasha Tersigni

A Google image search for “Sidney Crosby CAT Scan”: Sidney Crosby

Unfortunately for hockey fans, Crosby will be sidelined for the remainder of the 2011-12 season, and will not see game action again until Oct. 2012. Until that time, he will have a permanent seat in the pressbox, where he will act as an assistant coach for the Penguins. Although there will be times when Crosby is said to be a game-time decision and may see ice time, continued setbacks and concussion symptoms will once again make headlines for the majority of 2012. Rumours will swirl around possible retirement, but they will prove to be false. /Autumn McDowell