Through the eyes of an autistic man: the four kinds of people

author: maxwell adamson | contributor

Credit: Jaecy Bells

There are five types of people, but the fifth chooses to stay at home creating humorous images on the Internet instead of engaging in trivial human interactions.

After astute observation and many uncomfortable conversations, it is my pseudoscientific opinion that there are only four types of people you can have a conversation with. There are five types of people, but the fifth chooses to stay at home creating humorous images on the Internet instead of engaging in trivial human interactions. As a small disclaimer, I do not have any scientific credentials; however, when I was writing this I read it back to myself in my head using Stephen Fry the voice, so that must lend me a certain level of credibility.

The first type of person that you meet is called “The Avoider.” You will often find the avoider at a party or social gathering for a relatively short portion of time. They have come to this gathering to interact with one or two specific friends and, although they my not dislike you, they are not interested in having a long conversation with you. A conversation with an Avoider is characterized by relatively short and vague responses to questions and halfhearted excuses to leave you and talk to their much closer friends.

The second type of person is called “The Conversationalist.” It is difficult to describe exactly what is special about this person, but after talking to them you feel a deep level of satisfaction. Perhaps it is that they give detailed responses to questions. Perhaps it’s that they show interest in what you have to say. Most likely it is that they lean in when you are talking and nod like you are saying something brilliant.

The third type is called “The Budgeter.” This type of person has only one goal at a social gathering: talk to every single person. This person is likely to engage you in conversation. You will be happy to do so since they have the lean and nod of a Conversationalist. However, right when you feel that this conversation is going somewhere nice, they will make an excuse to start a conversation with another person so that they may meet their goal. You are likely to remember these people as pleasant to talk to, until you have yet again been cut off by them, at which point you are more likely to describe the using a colloquial term for a donkey.

The final type is “The Talker.” The Talker can be described as the fidget spinner of people you meet at a party, in that you can give them one little push and they will go all night. You simply need ask them what is new with their life, and they will give you a five-paragraph essay on their new job, an exploratory examination of whether or not a movie they recently saw was the best film ever, and a Buzzfeed article on the ten reasons you should drink pomegranate juice. If you are like me and naturally prefer to be the type of person staying at home and crafting humorous images for the Internet, this will likely be your favourite type of person when you are eventually forced to leave the house due to people being “worried about you,” since they require little to no effort, and you can occasionally drift off and think about the freshly dank memes you will craft when you return to the comfort of your home.