Hockeyholics anonymous

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It has finally come to this

What the Puck?
Autumn McDowell

Sports Editor

Hi, my name is Autumn and I’m a hockeyholic.

I am about to enter week two of my cold-turkey lockout from the National Hockey League and my outlook on life is currently quite grim. I have nearly given up all hope for the future.

I have been suffering intense withdrawal symptoms due to my sudden lack of goons, fights, and missing teeth. I didn’t realize how bad it had affected me but while I was using hockey I also came to love that annoying buzzer noise that rings through the entire arena after a goal is scored, in fact I can’t fall sleep without hearing it first.

I also have trouble getting out of bed unless I have had a hit of the notorious stench of hockey gear. I used to get high off of that stuff almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day if it was on the weekend. Double headers are what I prayed for.

To make matters worse, I also haven’t been able to get my hands on EA Sports NHL 13 from any of the other junkies yet, which is supposed to ease the grieving process and speed up my recovery time, or so I hear.

However, through my treatment program I have found something else wonderful to release my stress. It’s not quite as good as NHL but it still gives me my hockey fix, junior hockey.

No, I’m not talking about junior A or B, and God forbid I even start to think about junior C – no one is stupid enough to even touch that stuff – I am referring to major junior, in particular the Western Hockey League.

With my beloved NHL being ripped away from the kung fu grip that my dead lifeless fingers had them in, the comfort of still being able to enjoy some WHL action every weekend was just about the only thing that kept me from relapsing during the past 12 days.

The WHL still provides me with feel-good entertainment on a daily basis. However, there aren’t quite as many teams for me to choose from. I have gone from my choice of 30 teams to 22, so my enabler’s list has drastically declined.

But, even with it’s problems, the WHL has the things that matter most to me, and they are providing me with what my body has grown dependant on over the past 21 years in order to function, just on a smaller scale.

While the NHL used to be what I lived every day for, I will have to learn to live without the thrill of the games, the excitements of hearing the latest trade rumours and the constant bantering at the bars between opposing team’s fans – to which I still remain undefeated.

My family, friends and even complete strangers like this greedy bastard, Gary Bettman, have made me realize that that is not my life anymore.

The WHL, not the NHL, will provide me with my hockey fix this year. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it.

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