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Inspirational My Ass

Don’t piss us off

Author: hannah grover & john loeppky

Let this be a warning to all “able” people at this university who think they’re doing us a favour by being as condescending as possible. You ain’t cute, you’re just pissing us right off. Here are a few enlightening words, from our family to yours:

 

“How do you listen to music?”

Jeez, I don’t know, I just put headphones in my ears. Do people who can actually hear have access to technology that I don’t? That’s just rude.

 

“So, like, what’s wrong with you?”

Lots, would you like a comprehensive list? Well, there’s my inability to shut up, my continuous work schedule my… Oh, you meant what’s wrong with my body and why am I moving around in this metal contraption instead of walking! I thought you were talking about my neurosis.

 

“Can I try your hearing aids on?”

First of all, that’s disgusting and extreeeemely creepy. Why would you want my earwax in close proximity to you? Second of all, they aren’t interchangeable clothing items, man. If they are, these are the most expensive accessories I’ve ever heard of. Badum tsss. But please remember: Hearing aids are not toys, and I am not obligated to humour you.

 

“You know, I thought of you in bed this morning. I was having a tough day, and I thought if he can be that brave I can be, too.”

Honest question: should I be calling security? Do I need a bodyguard to protect me?. The only person who was brave in this scenario was you for having the gumption to say such a thing to me. If I’m your inspiration, that’s cool. Just please, for the love of all things inclusive, keep stalker-ish comments to yourself.

 

“You don’t sound deaf!”

I didn’t realize I had to sound like a village idiot from the dark ages to fit your criteria.

 

“Talking…very….slowly, like we are incapable of understanding you, then acting like you’ve just witnessed the miracles of modern science in action when we reply we’re currently at university.”

My brain damage/hearing loss does not mean that I don’t have an English essay due tomorrow, or that my disability suddenly excuses me from supporting myself financially, or that the fact that every time a loud noise goes off I spasm in a way that slightly resembles a fainting goat instantly means that I have no responsibilities whatsoever. Forget being normal. Normal, my friend, is only ever a setting on the dryer. The only thing my disability is preventing me from doing is moving on from this conversation in order to proceed with my day. You know, like a human being.

 

So, in conclusion, here’s another warning for you. Beware of the spasm-induced punches, avoid staring for too long or we might start pretending we are contagious, and please don’t cover your ears to avoid the feedback and call it equality. If this keeps up, we will be taking over the world. Every parking space will have a disabled parking symbol on it. We’ll save the last three or four at the furthest reaches of the Wal-Mart parking lot. That’s right, disabled is the new normal, and everyone needs to get with the times.

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