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Inter-office mail to be replaced by animals

author: john loeppky | sports editor

Credit: Rex Features
Credit: Rex Features

Faculty-specific creatures to deliver paper-bound bureaucracy

The University of Regina has recently announced a new initiative that they hope will increase productivity and student happiness while replacing the institutional overheads that come with hiring glorified Postman Pats to wander the campus.

Starting next week, the mail carriers of the campus will be replaced by animals. As the university looks to diversify the campus and improve the student experience, the animals that will carry out the mundane tasks previously handed out as CUPE’s way to signal the end of a campus career will be faculty and department-specific creatures. Chief Mailperson Jimmy Ventura says that, in most cases, the choice of who would get which animal was pretty clear.

“Well, you see, it was rather obvious that standard mail would be handled by carrier pigeons because the process is arduous, frustrating, disorganized, and always ends with shit everywhere. It has been decided that the President’s Office will have everything carried to each office by a lobster that must be transported via a portable throne. URSU has made the predictable decision to go with an owl, but we have a sneaking suspicion that the animal has been drunk on each day it has been called in to work.”

The Carillon can confirm Mr. Ventura’s assertion as, just prior to press time, the owl could be seen prying the toque off of VP Matt Mutschler’s head and puking into it violently.

Some other highlights include the visual arts department choosing an octopus with eight paintbrushes tied to its tentacles, campus security’s decision to go with a rather uppity kangaroo, and the English department picking the endangered species that is the swift fox.

Sadly, attempts to half-assedly indigenize this move have led to a buffalo smashing the glass in the Aboriginal Students Centre. Word is, the front panes at First Nations University will be used as replacements as soon as quashing unionization and crushing the hopes of minority.

Along the social consciousness hallway, UR Pride chose a rainbow trout, RPIRG decided upon a woodpecker, and the Women’s Centre have decided to adopt a black widow spider. WUSC could not be reached for comment.

When asked, students seemed cautiously optimistic though slightly unnerved.

“I think it will be a nice change. The guys who deliver the mail really do look like they hate their lives…. Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

All fourth-year justice-studies-major Rent-a-Cops hope to get out before being dive-bombed by one of the carrier pigeons. Meanwhile, the Student Success Centre’s parrot could be heard trailing behind screeching, “A year’s free tuition.”

In fact, what was rumoured to be a dentist’s space beside the Carillon will actually be a vet’s office where staff members can bring their non-human coworkers to be fixed.

It should also be noted that the Carillon was too cheap to buy a mascot. Apparently, Siberian tigers are endangered, expensive, and are not allowed to have “Vianne did this to me” shaved into their fur. Instead, the board members decided to snatch Timmons’ lobster when she was not looking and will have a wonderful supper on their next production night.

In related news, the U of R has lost its standing as PETA’s most helpful university and Greenpeace activists should be arriving on campus shortly to tie themselves to the perpetually-in-a-state-of-disrepair signs that sit facing Wascana Parkway.

The Carillon will provide updates as they become available.

About John Loeppky

I am an athlete with a writing problem, or a writer with a sports problem, you decide. When I'm not editing, playing wheelchair sports, or advocating for the disabled, you can find me de-stressing with friends.