Movie review – Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

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Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Dir. Mike Mitchell
Starring  Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler and Jesse McCartney

Instead of subjecting myself to the same tortures every week or so, I’ve decided to write my review of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked in rhyme:

There once was a man named Dave,
Whose three chipmunks would not behave.
Their albums were standard,
But their movies meandered,
And the franchise is looking quite grave.

Dave and his wiseass cartoon rats,
Along with their girlfriends-slash-bath mats
Take a tropical cruise;
This tired trope firmly screws
Our “heroes” into this filmic mud flat.

While obnoxiously pissing around,
The Chipmunks’ feet leave the ground.
They fall into the sea
And, to my incredulity,
Swim to shore (though they should have just drowned).

While gallivanting around this locale
And bouncing around tropic chaparral,
The ‘Munks encounter a demon
… or a crazed, wayward seaman.
It was too tedious to recall.

The rodent animation is lame
And the writing lacks purpose, lacks aim.
The voice acting is grating.
I found myself hating
Each second of every frame.

If you want something that’s smart or funny,
Stay at home, save your time and your money.
Chipwrecked offers you neither,
So relax, take a breather,
And go watch The Adventures of Tin Tin.

Now, lately I’ve been receiving some flak from friends and co-workers who say that my reviews tend to be unclear and wishy-washy. Let me make this absolutely clear: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked is not suitable for human consumption, and should be buried in the desert with those E.T. games that destroyed Atari. I wouldn’t wish this film on my worst enemy.  I pray almost nightly that this is the last chipmunk-based movie I’ll ever have to endure in my lifetime. It is just fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking bad. Have I made myself clear? Good.

Kyle Leitch
Contributor

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