Movie Review – Here Comes the Boom
Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve been increasingly mean towards films that I review. Being a film production major, I’ve realized that, should I have the good fortune to make films for the rest of my life, I may be subject to the same scrutiny. As such, I’ve decided that I will not, repeat, will not say a single negative thing about this week’s film review, which is…Frank Coraci’s Here Comes the Boom, starring Kevin James. Challenge accepted.
So, Kevin James is a biology teacher who decides to take up mixed martial arts to prevent the music program being cut at the cash-strapped school at which he teaches. That sounds suspiciously like the motivation of Joel Edgerton’s character in 2009’s Fighting. But that’s okay! I know being a filmmaker is hard, and we can’t be expected to be creative beings all of the time.
Henry Winkler co-stars as Marty Streb, the music teacher who is threatened with termination if the music department is cut. In true Henry Winkler fashion, he does his damndest to remove himself as far as is humanly possible from the legitimately cool Arthur Fonzarelli by making a complete fool of himself throughout the whole film. But hey, that’s cool! After all, his role as Barry Zuckercorn from Arrested Development does more or less the same thing, and he’s one of the show’s most endearing characters.
Rounding out the cast of characters is the obligatory action-rom-com love interest, Salma Hayek. Now, I’m sure that the casting director for this film stayed up all night agonizing over the perfect combination of actors and actresses to give this film a life of its own, so it doesn’t matter that Hayek and James have as much on-screen chemistry as a dog turd and a wheel of cheese.
Let’s not forget about the cameo appearances from some of MMAs finest personalities. Bas Ruten’s constant threats of attacks to the pills never get old, and Joe Rogan’s angelic voice is always a real treat to hear.
But characters are not why we’ve gone to watch this cinematic opus. No, we’ve come for the promise of exciting bouts featuring the athletic and svelte Kevin James! So, the punches are faker than in the WWE, and the bodily fluid leaked by the actors that’s supposed to pass for blood wouldn’t fool an eight-year-old, that’s okay because there’s no use of shakycam! Oh…there is use of shakycam. Well…uh…
Oh, for the love of Christ! This movie is a cardinal sin! Remember when I said that House at the End of the Street was the worst movie of 2012? Already, I’ve been forced to re-evaluate that statement. The acting is just awful, the writing is groan-inducing, and the camera work is just atrocious. Even Bas Ruten seems to know that he’s in a terrible film, and when even Bas Ruten gets self-aware, you should probably reassess the goals of your project. In short, this movie is disasterous. It’s about as entertaining as having Bas Ruten kick you in the pills, but even then, at least you’d get a cool story out of it.