New athlete pondering Cougar career

Pen and paper… how old school./ Sophieja23

Diary of a soon-to-be CIS athlete

Luckily for the Carillon, a prospective student-athlete, currently in the throws of making his decision on where to compete collegiately, has decided to write an ongoing diary that explains his decision-making process. By the end of the year, Chuck Kapparauk will have announced – via the hallowed pages of the University of Regina’s student newspaper – where he will ply his trade next season.

Hi All,

My name is Chuck Kapparauk and I am new to this writing thing. My English teacher in high school hasn’t made me hand in an assignment all year (I play for the basketball, hockey, football, baseball, floor hockey, dodgeball, and competitive inner tube water polo teams, so my schedule is a little too packed for class to be a priority). Luckily, I’m planning on majoring in a marginal arts program, so my ability to read and write won’t come into play all that much.

You probably want to know which sport I plan to compete in at the university level. I’m thinking starting point guard of the basketball team and being the one behind centre for the Rams is a doable thing. Why not? I mean, if Brett Smith and Matt Cassel did it professionally, why can’t I? I’ll have to remember that bounce passes to receivers aren’t legal. I keep forgetting that, but otherwise I should be fine. Running into the stands during a basketball game and screaming touchdown at the top of my lungs is, apparently a no-go, too.

Why pick the U of R, you ask? Well, I could compete on any one of their sports teams. I could be the savior the swimming team needs – rubber duck arm floaties and all. I average a solid five point three points a season in basketball, so I feel like I can make a definite difference off the bench. Move over, Tull brothers, there’s a new floor general in town. Get me an exemption and I’ll even dominate for the softball team. Time to bring back some glory from the diamond.

This is to say zilch about intramural sports. I’m a dominant inner tube water polo athlete, always have been – well, after I figured out why the horses don’t drown.

But don’t count your Cougars before they’ve hatched. I might go to some other high level programs. I hear Saskatchewan Polytechnic has a wonderful beer league team at this time of year. Also, the Carleton Ravens could absolutely use my award-winning, bench-bound cheerleading skills.

Cheers to the Carillon for allowing me to write about my experience. Next week, I’ll talk about why the immense backlog of deferred maintenance, horrendous tuition increases, and left-wing political leanings of the U of R, has me looking at other options. Maybe if I take grade thirteen, I’ll finally win. Yay for victory laps!

Read on next week as Chuck Kapparauk decides which jersey number he will wear, what parameters he will use to judge which god-awful prairie city to move to, and whether he will actually buy textbooks when he gets there.