Nice play, better moustache

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Professional and local athletes grow some for a cause

Autumn McDowell
Sports Editor

While many professional athletes have donned playoff beards, point-streak moustaches, and bizarre facial hair choices on a daily basis, everyone gets involved in Movember. The question is: which professional athlete has the best ’stache?

5. Carlos Valderrama
Style: Classic

If there was ever a reason to watch soccer, catching a glimpse of this man’s moustache would be at the top of the list. Valderrama sported the classic, full upper-lip moustache for the majority of his career. While some refer to it as “pencil-ish,” it’s really just unreal anyway you look at it. The moustache was nearly identical in width and length to his own eyebrows, causing a bizarre optical illusion to happen on Valderrama’s face. If that wasn’t enough, the moustache was noticeably much darker than his hair colour, which was blonde. There are two options here: either blonde is not Valderrama’s natural hair colour, in which case he is a guy that colours his hair; or,he Just for Mens the crap out of that thing everyday. No one wins here, except fans that get to watch that moustache in awe.

4.  Hulk Hogan
Moustache Style: Fu Manchu

Although most people will remember Hogan for essentially making the fake sport of wrestling popular, one could argue that he put the Fu Manchu moustache on the map. While some people may have thought that the moustache added to his wrestling persona, Hogan has opted not to shave this masterpiece from his face since he retired from the sport. Really, why would he? If something is working for you, you go with it. Plus, Hogan clearly doesn’t have as much hair on the top of his head as he used to, so he might as well keep that luxurious mane on his upper lip for as long as he can. Seeing Hogan without his moustache would be like seeing Batman without Robin – neither are as cool without the other, but together one is clearly a bigger loser than the other.

3. Michael Jordan
Moustache Style: Charlie Chaplin

Fans were outraged when Jordan first dawned a short moustache on his upper lip. First, because it was noticeably close to Hitler’s moustache style, and second because it appeared that was just how the hair grew in. It was disappointing for basketball fans everywhere to learn that this sports God could not grow a full, thick, grizzly moustache. You would think Jordan would naturally grow the perfect moustache that would essentially trim itself, but no. This pitiful excuse for a moustache puts Jordan’s entire career into question. Everyone knows that a star athlete needs a star ’stache. When your moustache has its own Facebook boycott page, you know it’s bad.

2. Rollie Fingers
Moustache Style: Curlicue

Though his name may sound made-up, his moustache is legit. Rumour has it that Fingers grew his trademark moustache to win $300 bucks from Oakland A’s owner Charlie O. Finley during his playing days. That proved to be the best bonus in sports history. Not only did Fingers benefit, the entire population got to enjoy the moustache that seemingly defies gravity. The curled ends of his moustache really make you stop and think. Does his moustache hair naturally grow in perfect curls, or does he spend hours meticulously grooming every last strand in place? Fingers’ moustache could very well have been the inspiration for anyone to grow an epic moustache, ever. Fingers is still rocking the trademark moustache, as shaving it would surely be illegal in at least three states.

1. Lanny McDonald
Moustache Style: Walrus

Now that is a moustache. A former captain in the NHL, McDonald sported his fantastic moustache during his playing days and beyond. Before he was a member of the Flames, McDonald was a member of the Maple Leafs, where Toronto actually did something good for once. Back in 1974, Toronto players were not allowed to have full beards, so McDonald began experimenting with his facial hair, and so gave birth to an upper-lip masterpiece. McDonald became the first Flames player to have their jersey number retired, most likely because of his moustache. While his hairline continues to recede, his moustache is still in prime form, and McDonald showed it off when he was inducted into the Canadian Sports Hall of Fame last year. If there isn’t a moustache hall of fame yet, there should be, just so McDonald’s walrus moustache can be preserved forever. Although the immaculate moustache has turned from an orangish-red to white, it is still as glorious as ever.

Honourable mention

Athlete: Sidney Crosby
Moustache Style: Cheesy

Crosby has many talents, but growing a moustache isn’t one of them. From Nov. 5 to Dec. 28, Crosby was riding a 25 game point streak, the second longest in the NHL in 18 years. Crosby decided to grow his moustache to commemorate the streak, every game that the streak would continue, fans would shudder to know that they would have to stare at the caterpillar on his lip for at least one more night. Although the streak continued to grow, the moustache seemed to hit a peak growth roughly ten games in and refused to thicken at all. Although fans were sad to see the streak come to an end, saying goodbye to that hideous moustache made the defeat sit a little easier.

University athletes doing their part

The men’s track and field and volleyball teams have joined forces to tackle prostate cancer.

Both teams plan to fundraise at the volleyball games this weekend. All funds raised at the games with be split and proceeds will go towards each teams fundraising efforts.

Mike Barber, captain of the track team, said that his motivation for participating in Movember is to, “Raise money to support a great cause, and to fulfill a lifelong goal of a growing a ‘tache.”

As of press time, Mike Barber had raised $270 for prostate cancer, the track and field team had already raised $370, and the university as whole had currently raised $1,259.

More information on the teams’ Movember efforts can be found at mobro.co/cougartrack.

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