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Non-football fan ruins Super Bowl party

(HA) ColdCoversWEBThis year’s Super Bowl parties had two common themes: terrible food cooked in grease, dipped in salted avocado and non-football fans pretending to have football knowledge.

“Yeah, that Cam Newten guy can do the sports,” states casual fan, with a foam finger on his hand. “He can run, dodge other players and jump around really well.”

Actual football fans everywhere are expressing grave concerns over this epidemic of ignorance and pretentiousness. Actual fans have expressed that their viewing pleasures were diminished and mitigated by the sheer anger they felt every time a non-football fan said something ignorant.

“A guy at my Super Bowl party asked how far Peyton Manning can kick the football,” said avid Bronco fan, angrily to the point of combustion. “He kept remarking on how the Panthers defensive line isn’t protecting Cam Newton well enough, how the punter missed the extra point and how they thought the Peyton Manning’s legacy was overrated because he wasn’t playing well.”

Fans everywhere experienced problems with high blood pressure, extensive stress, and increased heart rates during the game. Mixed with the emotions that are football, especially the Super Bowl, parties everywhere were a concoction of cardiac arrests.

The public is placing blame not only on the ignorant fans, but also the CBS announcers Phil Simms and Jim Nantz. Known for being literally the worst play-by-play commentators on the planet, their ignorance on the topic of football and their horrid commentary styles exacerbated the epidemic that is football ignorance.

“I tried to get the Spanish commentary to the game instead of listening to Nantz and Simms. I don’t care if I can’t understand anything that is going on. I’d rather have that than listen to the wretched voices of Nantz and Simms,” added the same Bronco fan. “One guy at my party commented on how much they appreciated the commentary from Nantz and Simms. I punched him in the throat. I went to jail. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I won’t have that kind of atrocity ruining the game that I love.”

When the casual fans were asked why they came to the Super Bowl parties in the first place, the responses were varied.

“I came for the great guacamole that I can feast on for five hours,” stated fan, adding that the Super Bowl is his favorite time of the year. “I also love those commercials they put on. I actually enjoy the halftime show and the commercials way more than the game. I couldn’t care who wins or loses,” added fan.

“If I hear one more person say that they enjoy the commercials more than the game, I’m going to lose it,” states fan, angrily. “And the halftime show? Seriously? Coldplay is playing. Why is Coldplay playing at the Super Bowl? Do you think that those fans watching football are going to appreciate waving lighters around to ‘Fix You’? Pay attention to the game. These players have worked their whole lives into this one moment. Show some respect.”

The Super Bowl weekend is a really important weekend to celebrate a foreign, multi-billion-dollar industry that has no regard for the safety of its employees, especially with head traumas. We should all be given a legitimate way to enjoy every minute of it.

 

About Jae Won Hur

Jae Won is a business administration major with aspirations of law. Within the campus, he is involved in the Hill Business Students Society and Hill JDC West debate. Outside of school, he is on the board for a non-profit patient advocate group Hemophilia Saskatchewan.