author: john loeppky | sports editor
Form of timekeeping tired of green and gold
With the Rams playing in two close contests over the same number of weeks, one form of time measurement has finally decided that enough is enough.
Having participated in the Rams’ close loss to the University of Saskatchewan Huskies in week one, and then being called in to warm up before the Rams closed out the University of Manitoba Bison just a few short days later, Overtime is getting sick of the green and gold.
“I just can’t stand being out there and having to play host to that shitty team from Regina.”
Experts have identified the callous approach taken by Overtime as a reaction to needing to be employed so often in the early days of the CIS season. Dr. Jimmy Buckets has a theory that many others subscribe to.
“You see, I think Overtime has some serious work-life balance issues. The CIS has just begun play and he has already had to watch Noah Picton throw a whole lot of balls. You can’t really blame the guy. I hear his relationship is in tatters because when he isn’t at a football game, he’s in a basketball gym, on a soccer pitch, or at some adult bowling lead in the north end where the old geezers can’t just leave the extra frame be and go home. It must really wear on the man.”
When asked if he would be involved in any more University of Regina-related contests, Overtime couldn’t hide his discontent.
“No, absolutely not. If any team from that godforsaken city needs me to work, they can go straight back where they came from. Need a basketball game decided? Figure it out in the fourth quarter or you can fuck right off.”
In response, the regulation periods have already decided that they will rise to the occasion if Overtime decides not to fulfill his responsibilities. When reached for comment, Third Quarter wallowed in the fact that nobody liked him; his brother, First Quarter, was too hyped up on adrenalin and kept screaming, “I’m on top of the world;” and Second Quarter wouldn’t stop pontificating about halftime shows, cheerleaders, and how much he wished he could take Overtime’s job. Meanwhile, Shootout was found repeatedly firing pucks at random objects and badly impersonating the goal horn of the Air Canada Centre.
Overtime is now considering a career change to get away from the stress that being a selection on various scoreboards leads to.
“Maybe I could become a scoreboard timer at a pool. That seems pretty easy. I guess I could be one of those displays that tries to catch speeding drivers; I’m used to disappointing people. Whatever I do next, I know that it has to be less stressful than this thankless gig.”
We here in the sports section feel Overtime’s deadline-related pain and hope he recovers well enough to officiate another heartbreaking extra frame loss sometime soon, preferably if the University of Saskatchewan Huskies are involved.