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One sick poem by one champ of a student

So much sadness about polar bears dying. / John Loeppky
So much sadness about polar bears dying. / John Loeppky

Author: John Leoppky

In Today’s News

Welcome to the nine o’clock news.

I’m the depressed human who has been forced to read you this stuff,

and you are the poor sap that has to listen to me

bleat on about the degradation of our society as we know it.

Tonight,

because we are fresh out of reruns of the Big Bang Theory

(Don’t worry, we don’t like the show either),

We are bringing you a one hour special

concerning the newly-announced epidemic that is taking over the world

What is it, you ask?

To find out, you’ll have to wait until after this finely tuned commercial break.

Because,

let’s face it,

you really do need better furniture.

I mean, look at that couch.

It totally clashes with the curtains.

Welcome back from that suicidal dive into consumerist culture.

The epidemic we are now facing is…

a general aura of desperation

First, we will turn our attention to the world around us.

Do you hear that?

That is the sound of polar bears crying,

of all the ice caps melting,

and the Arctic’s best impersonation of a microwave

intermingled with the noise of David Suzuki weeping

into an economically produced handkerchief.

At least David’s doing something, though.

I mean, he has an honorary degree

from a small Canadian university in the prairies.

What more can a person ask for, really?

The same cannot be said for some.

Yes, that’s right,

many citizens of earth,

research suggests,

have begun replacing their profile pictures with cutesy messages

that have no real substance.

Posting pictures of sloths

and what the heavily diseased are calling memes,

along with pictures of the menacing creature known only as…

Grumpy Cat.

The issue, it seems,

mostly affects those who watch Netflix obsessively,

eat ice cream straight from the tub,

and sing overplayed pop ballads in their shower.

In short, in five years

this particular side effect of the world’s problems

will create a societal wasteland the likes of which

the world has never seen.

I would read the rest of this list,

but, to be honest, it just goes down from here.

In fact, our reporter

after spending six months in the field,

can’t stop watching cat videos

and crying into copies of National Geographic.

And our environmental correspondent

is currently building herself a safe house.

Because, after reading the brochures,

interviewing Greenpeace activists while they were being extracted from a tanker,

and trying to argue for recycling bins through an email campaign

with university campuses countrywide,

she sees no reason to live in our current society.

Well, now that our program has reached its early conclusion,

what with the massive sense of doom seeping into viewership’s collective brain,

we invite you to talk to your loved ones about the dual dangers

of recycling and social media.

Join us next week for our exploration surrounding the growing problem

of adults not understanding satire,

and the soon-to-pass death of both

poetry and print media.

Until next time…

Stay safe and try to stay positive.

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