Politicized masturbation

Masturbation is an inherently political act.

Specifically, the act of masturbation, the frequency of masturbation, and method of masturbation are indicative of one’s politics and the way one sees the world.

In its act, masturbation is the act of satisfying oneself for oneself.

In its frequency, masturbation determines the individual’s view of oneself.

In its method, masturbation presupposes the importance of the individual over all else.

Perhaps, then, it might be more accurate to say that masturbation is an inherently conservative action.

Let’s think of it this way: in our political system, our representation of conservatism is the aptly named Conservative Party of Canada. 

One of the aims of the Conservative Party, as laid out by their founding principles, is “to create a climate wherein individual initiative is rewarded, excellence is pursued, security and privacy of the individual is provided, and prosperity is guaranteed by a free competitive market economy.”

For the Conservatives, it is the individual that is key, as is the individual’s privacy and prosperity, and we should congratulate the individual when the individual succeeds.

In short, the conservative is a narcissist, in love only with themselves and their money.

Masturbation centralizes the narcissism inherent in sex. For in masturbation, you only need yourself in a secure and private setting. In the moment of orgasm, the individual congratulates the self on a job well done and continues about their day.

The more one masturbates, the more one is in love with oneself, and the more one denies the need for another to gain total satisfaction.

Moreover, masturbation almost always presupposes an object to masturbate to. Whether it comes in the form of pornography (which, ironically, the conservative seems entirely opposed to) or in the form of the person who is the object of their eye (the object has no say in the matter, their identity and purpose determined by the viewer and not the individual object).

To masturbate is to objectify, to turn the thing that turns you on into a disembodied sexual object. You have the power over the disembodied sexual object, with the power to turn it on or off as you see fit, to focus your vision on those portions that you deem most desirable, and to ignore the needs and desires of the other you are exploiting for your own satisfaction.

The disembodied sexual object can feel no satisfaction, for it is merely an object of your desire. Tits, cock, and ass have no feeling, but merely exist for the pleasure of the conservative.

In short, all you need then is your penthouse condo downtown, your big screen television, and a set of disembodied genitals, to masturbate. Individual gratification arrives through the objectification of the other via profit-driven enterprises.

Seems like the core of conservatism to me.

Jonathan Petrychyn
A&C Editor