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Regina 2020?

author: john loeppky | sports editor

Olympics
Let the games begin/Pete Kratchovil

Regina should host a student Olympics

I mean, sure, we have the Faculty Cup, but I’m not looking for award winning drinkers. No, the student Olympics should be a more disciplined approach.

Here’s the pitch, each Canadian school picks two representatives. They cannot be CIS athletes and they cannot be the same gender (in other words, this isn’t just a competition for buff dudes with overinflated egos). This hypothetical competition is inclusive to the hilt, any and all are welcome. The only other rule is that the representatives cannot be CIS or high-level club athletes, this is an event for the commoners.

Now, each edition of the Student Olympics would feature twelve events, six athletic and six academic. Here’s a rundown of the athletic events (in order):

1) Two-on-two horse;

2) Swimming relay;

3) 100 metre piggyback riding;

4) Bowling;

5) Snooker;

6) Endurance skipping.

Interspersed would be the academic events. Here is a list of those tasks.

1) Typing test;

2) Speed edit of an essay;

3) In class essay on the advantages of sport in an academic environment;

4) An amazing race style game built around social engagement;

5) A lecture to first years on the perils and joys of university life;

6) A photo scavenger hunt on the host campus.

To the winners go the spoils. This competition could give JDC West a run for its money as the permanent event for popped collar aficionados to highlight just how supposedly well rounded they are.

I would like to imagine that each faculty would groom their best competitors at regional competitions. Some enterprising young English major becoming the Cinderella story as they climb past the sports obsessed kin majors to become the surprise gold medalists of the Student Olympics. On the other hand, think of the heartbreak as the golden child from UBC, top of his class, falls to the lowly business major from the U of R, the green and gold-headed stepchild of the athletic world.

And you’re telling me you wouldn’t watch it? Sell the TV rights to local stations – come on Access 7, this event is built perfectly for you – and tune in to watch the best writer cry as the swimmers stream past her, or watch as the über competitive public speaker looks out into the crowd and finds her stride to the adoring cheers of patch adorned PHD’s.

Just think of the ways it would be better than Rio 2016. No humans would be harmed, no soon-to-be useless stadiums build, no terrible decisions at the fiscal level. Maybe make it so athletes get extra bonus points if they push their cars to the venue. Boom! No greenhouse gas emissions.

I volunteer to be the organizer of the inaugural event. I even have the slogan for the U of R’s entry prepped: UR Vaguely Athletic.

May the best team win!

About John Loeppky

I am an athlete with a writing problem, or a writer with a sports problem, you decide. When I’m not editing, playing wheelchair sports, or advocating for the disabled, you can find me de-stressing with friends.