Jenna’s Declassified School Survival Guide

author: jenna mcewen| contributor

School’s out for never/jeremy davis

Tips and tricks to help you get into the swing of things

School low-key sucks. There’s always something looming over your head. Deadlines, tests, your ever-existing state of being an idiot who doesn’t know what they’re doing most of the time. These things can become overwhelming no doubt, but lucky you! You stumbled across this article written by me, a self-taught pro. This is an extremely legit guide for anyone who feels as though their life is a constant shit show. Let this guide help you to feeling less unprepared, and more like a pro.

First things first – buy yourself some snacks. This may be shocking, but did you know that buying prepared food is actually dumb? If you haven’t already noticed, buying a coffee and muffin everyday from Henderson’s Cafe or Starbucks is actually ridiculously expensive, so why do that? Are you kidding me? A simple, grande fresh brewed coffee at Starbucks is roughly $2.48 after taxes. I did some quick math (you’re welcome), and basically, if you were to buy a single grande coffee once a day for the fall semester alone (yes, I subtracted weekends and vacations you goons, and once again you’re welcome. If you see me on or off campus please feel free to buy me a coffee) it would equate to a whopping $185.63. Now don’t get it twisted, I am an understanding individual. I can relate to needing a coffee fix, but how many of you buy simple fresh brewed coffee? I won’t even bother calculating the total price one would pay for a pumpkin spice latte once a day. You guys probably need financial help and a nutritionist. Even further down this expensive rabbit hole is food! How many of you reading this buy lunch daily? I won’t even calculate the price of your semester, no thank you. Why not pack yourself a snack? The grocery store is a great place. You can buy the fixings for a week’s worth of sandwiches with the money that might buy you two at Henderson’s Cafe. So stop being lazy and go grocery shopping. Thank me later.

Second, buy yourself a damn day-planner. Seriously, if you haven’t got one of these, what are you even doing? Do you own an alarm clock? A toothbrush? Do you know how to take care of yourself? Day-planners are incredible, and absolutely necessary for anyone who wants to not be running amock halfway through the semester. Imagine actually knowing when assignments are due, and not just on an “-ish” level. Imagine having a personal assistant, except you’re independent and assist yourself (with your day-planner). Classes, shifts, appointments, dates, birthdays, all in one book, not just mildly floating around in your head. If this sounds like a novel idea to you, thank GOD you read this article. Get it sorted out. They sell them at the dollar store. Again, thank me later.

Lastly, quit being lazy. Plan for yourself. If planning stresses you out, GOOD! That’s the whole point! Stress can motivate you to actually do stuff. Plan when your laundry day is. Plan when your grocery day is. Plan your meals. Plan your study times. Plan your life. This will ensure you won’t be stressing every day until finals, and that you won’t miss out on things that should’ve been down since day one. Another pro tip is to plan out times to do things you like and things that make you feel grounded (this is some legit stuff you guys). If purchasing new clothes with money you probably don’t have calms you down, maybe plan it out so that you can purchase new clothes with money you DO have. Shocking, I know. (Editor’s Note: No way!) Write down things you need to do as soon as you think of them, instead of saying you will do it later (chances are you won’t remember them later, it happens to us all). There are these crazy things called notepads or notebooks where you can write down anything you want, including to-do lists. Crazier yet, you could write these lists down in a day-planner! Wow! Who would have thought? The day-planner is a two-in-one, everybody! Invest, and thank me for a third time later.

Now, the time has come for you to really evolve from a wacky, child-like mess to an efficient, coherent person. This guide can help you get started on being a responsible creature, but no one else is going to do the work for you. I’m sure as hell not; I’m busy planning for myself (in fact, if one of you wanted to buy one of my textbooks for me with the $185.63 that you won’t be spending on coffee this semester as a thank-you, I would really appreciate it). But seriously, get yourself together. Now is the time, but make sure to read this article again in the middle of the semester, then at the beginning of next semester, and in the middle of next semester, and again the semester after that, and the one after that… and make sure to thank me again later.