Sex Toy Sports, the new fad

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Giving a whole new definition to sword fighting. The Noun Project (Modified by Kate Thiessen)

A fun way to pass the time.

Ah sports. Remember sports? Those heart-racing activities that people used to get together to play? They’re normally great for exercise, socializing, and bonding, but a lot of recreational sports have been canceled this year due to the coronavirus. What’s worse, many people don’t have any sports equipment at home. They either rent what they use or borrow from a friend. This means we’ve got a lot of people who aren’t able to use their outlet of sports right now, but I may have a solution of sorts that combines exercise, socializing, and bonding. Well, bondage…

Welcome to Sex Toy Sports, an area of games that I made up an hour ago! For those of you who own more sex toys than sporting goods, or those of you who just need a damn laugh right now, here are three games to make those bedroom items multipurpose.

We’re gonna start with a totally appropriate re-do of an existing regular event from ye olde church picnic, the three-legged race. All you need for this one is somewhere to run, some rope, and a little shibari knowledge! Divide into teams of three people: two to race, and one to tie the knots (AKA rig). Get the racers to stand hip to hip and do what’s called a “double-column tie” to cinch their ankles, knees, and mid-thighs together. What makes it challenging? The knot-tying is part of the race. Only once the race actually starts can the rigger begin to tie the knots, and if they come undone while the racers are running, they have to run back and start all over.

The second is an upgrade for the leisurely Western activity of horseshoe tossing, modified to be an indoor game just so you can play it all year around (P.S. make sure the kids aren’t home). First you’re going to take a dildo with a suction cup base and pop it right in the middle of a linoleum, smooth-tile, or hardwood floor. Next, scrounge up enough handcuffs so that every player has a pair, and, taking turns, try to throw the handcuffs so they fall around the dildo. One handcuff loop falling around the dildo is worth 10 points, and getting both rings of the handcuffs over the dildo is worth 25. Obviously, the player with the most points at the end of the game wins, so how would one end the game? You keep throwing, retrieving, and throwing again until someone throws their set of handcuffs just a little too low, and a little too hard, and knocks the dildo over. This means the game is over, and they lose regardless of how many points they’d earned already. The technical term for the tipping of the dildo is a “shaft,” and is where this game, “Shafting,” gets its name.

The third game is in the area of watersports (nope… not that kind…) so if you have a decent-sized pool and a taste for sword fights this one’s for you. The first step in the set-up for this two-player game is to inflate four blow-up dolls (yes… that kind…). Each player takes two and, using zip ties, combines them to create a floating raft in the style of their choosing. Toss those in the pool, then have each player perch on their knees on their blow-up doll raft. Next, supply each player with a three-foot-long dildo (you’ve all got a few of those handy, right?) to be used as both a paddle, and a weapon. Using the dildos, the players will then try to knock each other off their raft, and the winner is whoever stays on their raft the longest. If you lose your balance and fall, you also lose the game. It’s been officially named “Cockfight,” and is banned from every public pool in Canada.

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