author: john loeppky | sports editor
So many (happy) tears
Cougars softball team declares bankruptcy
In a shocking development, the Cougars softball team has been forced to declare bankruptcy and sell all of their possessions before recreation services is required to foreclose on their equipment.
The news came as a shock to the entire squad. Most are looking to transfer, since it will take seven years for them to regain their financial footing. Drastic measures are being taken to try and save the team. Each medal-winning athlete has offered to melt them down in order to sell the metal for a precious few dollars. In fact, the way the team has decided to fundraise is not that much different from their regular routine: steak nights, bottle drives, and crying to their parents for money.
The next step, we’ve been told, is that Reggie the Cougar will have to be sold into mascot slavery. His new job will be to tour to different schools and tell them about the challenges that will face them as a University of Regina student. Word is that the U of S has the purchasing rights and will use Reggie as part of a smear campaign if such a move comes to pass.
U of R Rams to move to L.A.
Los Angeles will soon have yet another football team. It has recently been announced that the University of Regina Rams will move to Los Angeles and become the L.A. Doormats. The team has a tradition of switching leagues, but the move is a shocking one with many players reacting angrily. One athlete says that he is frustrated that he will no longer be allowed to pursue his sub-par education and will not be able to fail out on his own accord.
“I’m being forced to switch schools and fail somewhere else. I always new I could last three semesters, maybe four, before my time was up. Now that decision has been made for me and I feel like it’s unfair to everyone involved with the program.”
Said player could be seen later crying into the sweaty yoga mats in the Rams’ locker room and moaning about the fact that his starting role would have to morph into him being 76th on the U of C Dino’s depth chart.