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Sports funnies

author: john loeppky | sports editor

Here and gone again/Caitlin Taylor

The latest in not-so-true sports news

Just FYI, Rider fans, this is what I like to think of as the tomato part of the section, not as good as the Onion, not a vegetable, and it tastes pretty bad after a night on the town.

New Mosaic stadium to be torn down

In shocking news, after the conclusion of the recent test game at new Mosaic Stadium, the City of Regina has made the decision to tear the entire thing down. Speaking on condition of anonymity because an announcement had not yet been made, our very reliable source has informed us that the choice was made for a multitude of reasons.

“Well, for one, aesthetically it looks like someone took a big metallic dump in North Central. Second, city planners became so sick of hearing comparisons to the old stadium and complaints about the lack of water that they decided that it was better to get rid of the whole thing. Lastly, and most importantly, the Rams continued their winning streak. This, as everyone knows, is a harbinger for the apocalypse as foretold by Vianne the Wise. Leaning on the prophecy and their belief in avoiding bad luck, both parties have agreed to eliminate the stadium and force the Rams to continue their losing ways at their current venue, as is tradition.”

There is no word yet on whether a Vanier Cup win would lead to both the Rams and the Riders playing in the parking lot of the new Costco with flying pigs as spectators. We have been told, however, that there is a contingency plan, just in case.

 

Reggie and Rampage in bidding war over mascot rights at U of R events

            Word is that Reggie and Rampage are in a bidding war over the rights to hopelessly cheer on the U of R’s teams.

Concern has built over the last few years, as Rampage has not been seen since the Mike Gibson era. Some think that Rampage looked like an overly stimulated goat and that is why he was removed. Others have a far more sinister tale to tell. They believe that Reggie had Rampage hung, drawn, quartered, and mixed into Chartwells’ soup of the day. In related news, my cream of broccoli had a slight hint of polyester to it this morning.

 

U of R swim team commended for not drowning

The University of Regina has awarded swimmer Daniel Gomez-Saenz with its “Athlete Who is Most Safety-Conscious Award/Sticker” after the he managed to spend multiple years competing without drowning.

When reached for comment, a spectator remarked on how difficult it can be for middle- and long-distance swimmers to stay afloat.

“These guys are so well trained that they don’t even need those little arm floaties like most competitors. It’s just amazing to me that someone can swim for that long without plummeting to a watery demise or dying of complete boredom. I still can’t figure out where they’re trying to swim to, though.”

Who knows, maybe open water swimming is in the cards for the Cougars.

 

About John Loeppky

I am an athlete with a writing problem, or a writer with a sports problem, you decide. When I’m not editing, playing wheelchair sports, or advocating for the disabled, you can find me de-stressing with friends.