Sports roundtable – Nov. 24, 2011

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“Beyonslay” was voted the top roller derby nickname in the USA, and for good reason

Autumn McDowell, Jonathan Hamelin, Colton Hordichuk, Taylor Shire
This week's roundtable

The U of R men’s volleyball team already has more wins this season than it had all of last year. Could it be a playoff team?

McDowell: Well here’s the breakdown, the top seven out of a possible 11 teams make the playoffs. The Cougars are currently in sole possession of the seventh and final playoff sport. There are three teams that have won only one game so far. So basically, if we keep beating the awful teams, maybe catch a break here or there then yes, the Cougars will be out of the basement this year. Knock on wood.

Hamelin: Yes, since my predictions are starting to become true. If you remember, in the Carillon spoof issues last year – a university paper of the future – I predicted a dynasty for the men’s volleyball team thanks to a surge of Australian players. Lo and behold, the team added two more Australian players this season – making three total – and are already improving.

Colton Hordichuk: If they signs Air Bud from Air Bud Spikes Back they could. That dog’s style is sick and he’s a total packaged athlete. Have you ever seen a dog that’s capable of playing volleyball, baseball, football, and soccer?

Shire: Is that a serious question? Sure, why not? I have yet to watch a Cougar volleyball game, so I am probably not the right guy to ask. Next question.

What sport do you wish was offered at the U of R that currently isn’t?

McDowell: Did we ever come to a conclusion on the whole ‘is beer pong a sport’ thing? Because if we had a beer pong team, I am fully confident that Regina would dominate every other school quite handily.

Hamelin: Bridge. See my editorial later on in this issue of the Carillon and you’ll understand why,

Hordichuk: I played a version of croquet in the summer where if you lose, you had to drink a beer. There’s no name for it, but I’m gonna call it ultimate croquet. I want to see ultimate croquet offered at the U of R. 

Taylor Shire: I’m not sure you know who you’re talking to here, but all the meaningful sports are offered at the U of R, so check your facts. I’ve given up my time for this interview. Come on.

If you were in roller derby, what would your nickname be?

McDowell: Hmm, I think I would go with Terminate-her. Could be clever, could also get me beat up, but that is a risk I am willing to take. If that one’s taken. I’ll go with Lucky Strikes; it has a nice ring to it.

Hamelin: I think I would go with Jonathan Hamelin. I can’t think of any name more scary or intimidating.

Hordichuk: I can have a roller derby name?  Then I’ll be Pete Jones.

Shire: What is this, your first day on the job? That’s it. I’m done.

What did you think of Chael Sonnen walking out on “Off the Record”?

McDowell: Hilarious, utterly hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, it made Sonnen look like a giant D-bag, but what do I care. Plus, it pumped his upcoming fight quite nicely; if that was what he was trying to do then he did his job well. I think that clip should be shown as the side effects of steroids; I believe they call it “roid-rage,” eh, Sonnen?

Hamelin: I’m more surprised the network and producers haven’t told Michael Landsberg to pack his bags and walk off the show. Maybe I haven’t watched the show enough, but I’m not a huge fan of him as an interviewer.

Hordichuk: It was the ultimate beak-show, and I’m surprised that Sonnen even lasted that long with Landsberg. Now that I think of it, it’s kind of like Kim Kardashian’s marriage, except the Sonnen interview lasted longer. Too played?

Shire: What are you even talking about? Is this your first time on the Roundtable? This is like doing amateur hour or something. Like are you serious? Do you have anything pertinent to ask? Or are we just going around and around here? What show am I even on here?

Who has the best moustache in professional sports, past or present?

McDowell: Everyone is probably going to say Lanny McDonald, and for good reason; that walrus of a mustache is immaculate. To switch things up, I think I will go with Rollie Fingers and his classic curlicue mustache for two reasons: one, because not a single strand of hair is ever out of place; and two, because his name is Rollie Fingers.

Hamelin: I hate moustaches and I hate this Movember crap. With that being said, how about Mike Barber, a member of the U of R track team. As of press time, according to reliable source Autumn McDowell, he has raised $270 for prostate cancer while supporting a ‘stache. It’s nice to see someone is actually doing more than growing a moustache for Movember.

Hordichuk: If Lanny McDonald’s mustache is wrong then I don’t want to be right. I’d also like to mention Johnny Upton, captain of the Charlestown Chiefs hockey team. Not only does he have flow, but so does his handlebars.

Shire: I guess I’ll come back for one more question. Lanny McDonald of the Calgary Flames cicrca 1980s is one of the most legendary lip warmers. George Parros of the Anaheim Ducks has an amazing soup strainer. But, if WWE is a professional sport, Hulk Hogan and his blonde handlebar take the award. (If you are still wondering why the hell my answers are like they are, look up “Chael Sonnen vs Michael Landsberg Must See New Interview” on YouTube. It really is a must see).

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