Studies have firmly concluded a cause-and-effect relationship between toxicities of Subway sandwiches and time passed within a school year. Fared Jogle, an executive director for Science, released a statement last week saying, “We’ve found an incredible relationship of levels of harmful toxins inducing students to nausea with time passed within a semester on University of Regina students.” When asked about possible roots for this discovery, he stated, “We don’t know. It’s simply a remarkable, unprecedented and an incredible relationship.”
Upon hearing about the new study, the Carillon has launched an investigation into why this relationship exists. Is it because Subway puts harmful toxins inside of the students’ subs?
To kick-start the investigation, we went out on campus to gather students’ opinions on the issue.
“It should come as no damn surprise that we all get sick from Subway as the semester goes on,” one student said, as his skin became a shade paler with the mere mention of the word Subway. “We have pretty much no safe, reliable and predictable options aside from a foot-long loaf of bread packed with processed meat and cheese with pounds of lettuce dumped onto it.”
Another student shared similar sentiments.
“I was hoping that I could have more options for my lunches with the new Bento sushi place coming in, but when I found out that they hired non-unionized workers, I was hesitant about eating there. It’s an excruciating dichotomy of having to stick to my morals or eating something that isn’t made out of sawdust and cow stomach every day.”
As for the relationship between time passed and toxicity, the same student replied back with, “Well no shit. Every single day I eat the same footlong piece of chemical and death; it’s bound to become worse and worse for me each and every day.”
However, there are some (albeit limited) food options within campus. So, we went and asked students why they didn’t pursue those options over Subway. We asked one student if they’ve ever heard of places like 2mato, BYOB, Global Village or the soup/salad emporium within Riddell, which they responded with, “No.” Additionally, we asked if they knew about the new Brewed Awakening in Campion, and they responded with, “Campion College? Where’s that?”
In conclusion, even though we have heard from scientific studies that U of R students will become sicker and sicker from the footlongs of biological suicide, students will continue to eat them because of the perceived lack of options. But, students of the University, please remember this as you shove your next Chicken sandwich dipped inside “Teriyaki” sauce into your mouth – you could be doing better. Much better.