author: talkative tammy | contributor
Getting over someone is both crucial and extremely hard. I have created a list of tips to try to ease the heartache:
- Understand why: Understanding why the breakup occurred is usually the first step. If your partner has not given you a reason, it can be quite difficult. You have unanswered questions and these can harbour and manifest into a self-defeating thought process. Try thinking about the logical reasons it may have ended. This is tough, but as soon as you can find that anchor to repeat almost like a mantra, getting over the breakup will become easier. Latch onto the reason and allow that to show you why it happened when you are feeling down.
- Give it time: This is a no-brainer and I’m sure people have already told you this, but it’s true. Getting over someone is tough. Allow yourself to take as much time as you need. There is no set timeline for getting over someone, and don’t feel compelled to force those feelings. It will feel so amazing when you can finally get to that point, but don’t ever feel like it’s a race. Don’t conceal how you’re feeling. It is extremely important to not beat yourself up during this time.
- Don’t torture yourself: Wow, what a great transition. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! Even if you’re somehow the sole reason, do not do it. It doesn’t help time go by any quicker, it doesn’t solve the loneliness, it doesn’t stop them from dating new people, just don’t do it. You are way more than this one moment in time and to beat yourself up during this patch can lead to destructive emotional pathways that can affect you for longer than the breakup. Always remember that you have a whole network of people who could probably write novels on how amazing you are. You are awesome, and breakups never define that.
- Remove reminders: You have to be pretty cut-throat during this phase. I mean cut that throat. Get rid of pictures, items, clothing, songs, and leftovers (ah, maybe keep their cheesecake they left in your fridge). For real, getting rid of reminders may feel like a difficult step because it is the physical act of removal, but it is extremely beneficial. You don’t need to completely throw them in a fire (although I would suggest it. It’s quite liberating) just place them in a box under your bed, but avoid the temptation to look at it when you are sad. These reminders are not even usually accurate representation of the relationship. Those memories probably capture the best times; blurring the realizations that it was not a perfect relationship. It’s like seeing that person who only posts the best stuff on their Facebook feed, even though you know they puked all over that cute dress later in the night. Get rid of those reminders.
- Avoid idleness: This one was huge for me. “Idle hands are the playground for the devil.” I don’t know, that was just a quote on idleness. For real, doing things will be a great way to avoid sitting and dwelling. This is a double-edged sword, though, because usually your post-breakup self can become one with the couch and a bag of chips, which is totally great, but getting up and trying new things or reading, or dying your hair, or going for a walk, any of these things can remove that blanket of disparity. Not doing anything makes it extremely easy to a) beat yourself up, which I told you not to do, and b) can cause you to obsess about everything and analyze and criticize, which are never the best ways to elevate the sadness.
I hope some of these helped and if they didn’t, I can promise you this: you are one hell of an individual and this will pass.
Wondering whether you’re rebounding or sincerely into someone is a great question to ask if you are recently out of a relationship. Posing this question shows a great amount of self-reflection and kindness, which I can respect. Now, I do not know the situation, but I would say if you’re wondering those things, it might answer your question for you. Wondering whether you’re rebounding is a valid question, and here are some ways to try to decipher the true intentions of this new relationship:
- How do you feel about your ex? Is there still quite a bit of anger? Sadness? Questions? All of these to an extent can be normal and lasting, but if the emotion is stronger than a 3 on a scale of 1-10, then you are not over them. This is ok, but crucial to know before moving on. Usually, harbouring emotions toward your ex signifies that they still subconsciously reflect decisions you will make.
- Does a song come on that makes you smile, cry or throw everything in your vicinity? Songs, much like the previous step, can be lasting and not always telling of residual emotions. When it gets to the point where you have to pull over while driving because that one Alanis Morissette song comes on, then you’re probably not over your ex.
- This last one is just a series of questions to ask that are a little more personal. You may have answers for them as soon as you see them, but take time to really answer them and self reflect:
- Are you afraid of being single?
- What emotions come up when you think about your ex?
- Are you just lonely? (which is totally fine)
- Do you still feel lonely around the new person?
These questions will hopefully lead you in a direction of understanding, and self-reflecting, which is vital after a breakup. Also, if you do feel that the emotions you have for the new person are sincere and strong then that’s great. Most importantly, don’t hold back when it comes to new relationships out of fear of the last one.