Social media, green and gold edition
So, for fun, I decided to go through the various Twitter accounts that belong to the U of R’s student athletes and pick out my favourites. In short, you’re welcome.
The Tweet: Shawty I ain’t seen you in a cold minute.
The Tweeter: Cougars basketball player Brandon Tull (@BigTimeTull32)
Rating: Six Tinder profiles out of ten
Analysis: I have the distinct feeling that Mr. Tull is talking about a Canadian woman here, given that he is writing about a cold minute. Maybe this is a hook to a new rap album; he could team up with his brother Jonathan to create a dynamic duo of sick beats and rhymes. Might I suggest “The Brothers Ajax” as a stage name? They could come on stage in their Cougars gear and rhyme with local acts like The Fellows of Perfect Penmanship. Or, they could stick with what their good at: being kind, thoughtful, and smart people who just happen to be talented at putting basketballs inside of hoops.
The Tweet: He shit himself before he died actually.
The Tweeter: Current men’s basketball team staffer Addison Docherty (@Rizakdoc)
Rating: Eight gently used toilet paper rolls out of ten
Analysis: Given that Addi is such a LeBron fan, I can’t help but feel like this is his prediction for LBJ’s future. He could also be talking about the state of care in Saskatchewan nursing homes, because anything is possible when your bio says you tweet about social justice. On second thought, he could be talking about Coach Burrows’ reactions when refs make the wrong call, combined with how the latter feels when his forwards miss layups, making for a coach’s ultimate (potentially messy) demise.
The Tweet: Tevaughn Campbell: Wish @adidas would pay me 1 million for breaking the @CFL combine record. Or @Reebok @Nike @PUMA @UnderArmour
The Tweeter: Track and field star/Riders defensive back Tevaughn Campbell (@TevaughnsC)
Rating: Three glasses of thirst out of ten
Analysis: Here’s some context for this desperation-filled tweet: a company was offering a million dollars to whoever could break the combine’s 40-yard dash record. Given that is more than Tevaughn can hope to make in his entire career, I think we can forgive him for treating corporate Twitter accounts like potential sugar mommas.
The Tweet: Y’all Wednesdays ain’t like mine/ours I promise!!!! Embracing this process.
The Tweeter: Cougars guard Matthew Augustine (@MIAtthew6)
Rating: Two calendars out of ten
Analysis: Dude, wing night at Trifon’s isn’t that exciting. Wednesdays are pretty boring and soul crushing. Hump day needs to be changed to basketball day, apparently.
The Tweet: Yes my wife hacked my Twitter account. This gives me built-in excuse to tweet anything.
The Tweeter: Women’s basketball coach Dave Taylor (@RegCougarCoach)
Rating: Six anonymous hackers out of ten
Analysis: Careful, Coach. It begins with a wife’s harmless tweets, and it ends with you following accounts of various levels of disrepute, as you have to explain to the athletic director why you are suddenly keenly interested in anti-establishment campaigns and Tupperware.
The Tweet: Advice to high school athletes that are getting recruited by universities, make sure you pick a school not solely based on athletics.
The Tweeter: Jonathan Tull (@JONATHAN_TULL)
Rating: Seven late Archer Library books out ten
Analysis: It’s a good thing that you picked the U of R for the books, Mr. Tull. Congratulations on finishing your fifth year and spending it in graduate school. Also, very few athletes pick the Cougars because of their teams. They choose it because it’s close to home or they are silly enough to offer someone a scholarship. Hey, maybe after the team’s success this year, people will finally start moving to Regina to play for something substantial.
The Tweet: Is funny, when a redshirt talks shit about you to other people and how he could beat you one on one. Man you talk too much…
The Tweeter: Alex Igual (@alexigual13)
Rating: Ten prospective sub-tweets out of ten
Analysis: I present to you, your candidates for Igual’s ire: Matthew Augustine, Kolton Bellamy, Joshua Exner, Kieran Hebert, and Jeremy Zver. And the winner is… all of them! Actually, I’m picking Joshua Exner because we all know that those Luther kids can be really cocky people – I should know; my boss is one. Bring on the backpedalling editor’s note. (Editor’s note: We’re cocky because we’re that damn good.)
The Tweet: Being an emotional person has its perks, when you’re down you’re down… But when you’re UP!!! Holy!!! I can feel the fire burning.
The Tweeter: Cougars forward Brian Ofori (@BrianOfori)
Rating: Six emotional rollercoasters out of ten
Analysis: Uhh, Brian, I think you might want to go and get that checked by a doctor. Here’s hoping that fire burning is your passion for basketball and not a shot of cinnamon fire whiskey, or some kind of medical condition. Also, Brian must be so high up he feels blessed – Drake reference, everyone. I’m cool now, right?
The Tweet: I just can’t stop Long Jumping
The Tweeter: Track and field medalist Ahmed Alkabary (@ahmed_alkabary)
Rating: Three sand pits out of ten
Analysis: This must be comforting for the track and field program because, you know, señor Alkabary jumps for an athletic living.
The Tweet: How am I supposed to do school for another 2 months when all I can think about is Mexico.
The Tweeter: First-year volleyball player Haley Wagar (@haley_38)
Rating: Five shots of tequila out of ten
Analysis: “And after six shots of Jose Cuervo, the first-year volleyball player lost count and started counting again” – modified country song courtesy of me. Might I suggest using acronyms in biology 140 that involve liquor? For example, DNA = Damn, No Alcohol. I believe in you Haley, I believe in you.
So, what does this entire silly analysis mean? It means CIS athletes should undergo media training or, if Mr. Docherty is to be believed, they might shit themselves before they die.