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the Carillon predicts the Super Bowl

We need a PS3 in the office all of the time.
We need a PS3 in the office all of the time.

This might be the worst article I have ever written

Article: Autumn McDowell – Sports Editor

Simply writing Super Bowl score predictions would be far too easy.

It was collectively decided during a drunken state of mind that the Carillon staff should take our athletic talents to Madden in what we hoped would be an epic battle of trash talking to make a far more accurate prediction of Super Bowl action.

We call it, 2014 Mock Super Bowl.

Everything sounds better when you’re drunk.

Rookie member of the Carillon team, sports writer Brady Lang, though a San Francisco 49ers fan at heart, elected to represent the Seattle Seahawks while Editor-in-Chief Michael “I sleep in the office” Chmielewski represented the Denver Broncos by default.

During pre-game interviews the two traded relatively terrible lines of trash talk that they had previously heard on TV.

“I am going to mop the floor with him,” said Chmielewski.

While Lang chose to take a line from a local volleyball team.

“I want to kick the shit out of him,” he said.

With conditions set optimistically to pro level with a heavy snowfall, the simulation started off perfectly accurate, but it would quickly begin to falter.

Under Lang’s control, the Seahawks were off to a quick start and jumped up to an early 7-0 lead with just two minutes left in the first quarter. After easily getting the touchdown, fans questioned the decision to go for one.

“Everyone knows any real man would go for two,” said production manager-turned-commentator Kyle “Questionable Sports Knowledge” Leitch.

After struggling in the first quarter, the Broncos appeared to have been given some light, and despite Manning’s incredible arm, Chmielewski opted to never throw the ball. It was almost as if he was playing as Michael Vick[he is an Eagle’s fan].

Just when fans, aka the remaining staff members, were about to leave the small room that we were playing in, the Broncos managed to convert a fourth and 13, making the gutless choice to kick a field goal, still, showing a little bit of life at the half.

After trading sacks, the Seahawks took back their control that was momentarily lost as running back Marshawn Lynch put the team on his back with two minutes left in the third and walked with swag into the endzone to put Seattle up 14-3.

But to everyone’s surprise, the Broncos weren’t done yet as they finally got across the goal line to wrap up the third.

Down by four heading into the last quarter, Chmielewski began to feel the frustration, as the seasoned Madden player expressed his displeasure with the game, in which he is controlling.

“No players are making tackles,” he yelled obnoxiously.

Unfortunately, his players wouldn’t make any more tackles; they would only throw interceptions.

The Broncos went on to throw two picks in the remaining moments of the fourth quarter only after a spin in the wrong direction by their star running back led to a massive loss of yards. To be fair, he did sneak for a first down with Peyton Manning, but then only to throw a pick.

“Should I run up the score?” asked Lang, bragging about his superior Madden ability.

He missed a close-range field goal the very next play.

And, with that, this horrible game came to a close.

The Carillon’s collective Super Bowl prediction: Seahawks 21 Broncos 10.

Image: Julia Dima

About Autumn McDowell

2 comments

  1. I’ve always found the Carillon to be the best when it’s using video games to predict real-world events. Like the time they used Sim City to critique Regina’s city planning.