Behold the evil that dwells within the Carillon!
Author: John Loeppky
Recently, with all of the spooky activity surrounding Halloween, there has been an increasing worry that otherworldly happenings could come to afflict the Carillon. At each production night in the last few weeks, the editors have been equipping themselves with weapons to ward off the effects of spirits. Op-Ed Editor Taras Matkovsky has repeatedly been seen clutching a foam battle-axe in one hand and typing with the other, every so often peeling his eyes away from his computer screen just in case another one of the editors has been zombified within the last few minutes.
This fear has escalated to the point where there has even been talk of alien influence. Each time a member of staff leaves the office, the chatter begins. Could the editor-in-chief really be the alien-in-charge, instead? Is a softball-crazed Frankenstein monster, created by the University of Regina’s athletic department to wreak its havoc in right field, organizing those arts and culture pieces that the readership loves so much? Is the technical editor just a vampire in disguise? It has even been suggested that the production manager is, in fact, a hellish demon that has been writing subliminal messages into the newspaper layout in order to have others join him in the underworld. But, who knows?
Maybe all of that time putting together the newspaper has sent each and every one of its writers into a trance. Maybe, this is all the work of, not a ghost, or a werewolf, or a windego, but of a monster named exhaustion. It could be that the lights flickering on and off randomly, the random YouTube videos that show themselves on the iMacs at weird hours, and the inordinate amount of plastic playthings that are thrown about, are not the result of a demon, but of an office that is too far gone to realize how screwed up their sleep cycles are.
That’s right, that alien-in-charge could really just be a political science major running off of coffee and an insane work ethic. The copy editor could be, not a haunting product of a Ouija board, but a masters student slaving over comma splices. And the news editor, as shocking as it is, might not be planning everybody’s murder. He could actually just be trying to fill his section with information for the masses. As for the aforementioned Taras, well, his battle-axe can return to its initial purpose: as a way to defend himself when the office sports crowd get too rowdy and a few people need to be “sorted out.”
It is at this point that I should announce that an office-wide investigation is no longer needed. I, John Loeppky, am the specter who has been tormenting the office. My goal is to write somewhat humourous articles and haunt those who laugh. Sadly, I have not had all that many people to disturb. So, in honour of Halloween, my self-confidence, and all things spooky, I ask that each and every one of you read and enjoy this article…or else!