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The reading week report

[HA] theopieWEBAuthor: Carillon Investigative Staff

Deep insights into the February break

Reading week has come and gone, and the Carillon investigative staff has launched a full-fledged investigation on the week-long break in the middle of February. From our research, it is a pleasure to report some of our profound findings about the break.

First and foremost, our investigation has shown that literally no reading has been accomplished. Students everywhere overestimated the length of the break and procrastinated their responsibilities to the weekend, even though they knew that they would be too drunk or hungover to get any work done. In addition, students everywhere were taking on extra shifts to manage their debts and dwindling bank accounts during the break. Finally, this epidemic has been exacerbated because students everywhere were returning to Regina, leaving a great opportunity to party with long-lost friends.

“I have eight midterms and fourteen assignments next week,” says a distressed, hungover and broke university student. “I have been drinking for a week straight and have eaten McDonald’s for breakfast, Subway for lunch and Boston Pizza for dinner the whole week. It’s been amazing, but now I have to face the fact that I have no knowledge in my brain, no money, and no gas.”

The break has had universal and profound effects among some students. For one, student group members for projects have disappeared into dark and mysterious corners.

“I tried to get together with my group to go over our term projects, but nobody responded to my Facebook message,” says a frustrated, naïve student. “We really need to get a start on this project… it’s due really soon.”

“Yeah, I went to Mexico without telling anyone,” says the group member from the aforementioned student group. “Group project? Screw that. I’m getting drunk in Mexico and living worry-free. I can worry about that when I get back. Or they can. Doesn’t really matter with me, I’m over it at this point.”

In accordance to the decline of academics, the break has proved to be extremely lucrative for other sectors. For one, the company Netflix has seen its stock improve by 267 per cent.

“This February break in Canada, with the cold weather and no school, has been the most incredible thing to our company,” says Netflix executive, with a smug smile. “We had to add seven extra servers to deal with the influx of Canadian university students,” he adds.

A particular phenomenon from this surge of Netflix viewership has been due to the fact that everyone thinks that they’re now lawyers. From finishing the series, Making a Murderer in three sittings over the break, everyone now thinks that they’re the legal equivalent of the deceased Justice Scalia. Students everywhere have already formulated their defense for the accused Avery, and have taken social media platforms such as Tumblr to express their frustration on the United States’ justice system.

“Justice must be served for Mr. Avery,” says a student, who has suddenly decided to wear a suit and tie to look more like a lawyer. “Although this series does not apply to me whatsoever, as I’m not in the jurisdiction of the United States legal system, I’m really angry,” adds a frustrated lawyer poser.

In contrast, gyms everywhere were suffering due to the fact that nobody had the initiative to drag themselves out of bed away from Netflix or get their lives together after being hungover.

“It’s been quiet,” says the owner of Goodlife Fitness. “No university student has walked through our doors.”

As a result of our findings, we have several suggestions to improve the failing reading week. First off, we need to rename the week to something more applicable, such as “Netflix and Chill” week, “Watch Making a Murderer in a really short amount of time” week, “This is only making my broke and drunk state worse” week or “I’ve given up on my schooling” week. The University should begin not expecting any academic efforts from their students and not assign midterms or assignments the week after the break. Bars and restaurants should have some sort of cheap special for broke university students trying to make their way through the week-long party that’s the break and ensure that they don’t go starving.

Perhaps this sentence sums up the week pretty well.

“We all need a week to catch up on all the work we were supposed to do on the break.”

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