Top Five Super Bowl storylines

Belichick is a non-stop partyer, believe it or not./Woody

Everything you like about football, without the football

The Super Bowl is nearly here folks! However, before we get to the big game, we have to slog through the inevitable media week frenzy. A whole week of players and coaches answering the same questions, and the same storylines being beaten into our brains. Instead of covering questions like “Coach Belichick, how do you plan on stopping Marshawn Lynch” and Belichick responding with a death glare that could put you six feet under, I’m going to give you five odd stories to watch for.

1. #DeflateGate

Our first topic is on balls, and the deflating of said balls. The Patriots were accused of deflating footballs during their AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts. At this point, about one person has taken this story seriously, and everyone else has taken this chance to make balls jokes. Note the face that Belichick will make every time is comes up and the responses Patriots players will give. “We’re on to Seattle.”

2. You Mad Bro?

At this point, most fans are aware of Richard Sherman’s… incendiary personality. An early classic of Sherman’s came when he tweeted a photo of him approaching Tom Brady after the Seahawks beat them in 2012, with the caption “You mad bro?” I imagine this is going to be a hot button issue, because Super Bowl media week is the worst. Reporter: “Tom, how do you plan to get back at Sherman for that picture he tweeted 3 years ago?” Brady: “By winning the Super Bowl you moron. How else do you think I’d do it?”

3. Seattle’s Injuries

The best thing about having injuries, well the only good thing about injuries, is that it provides an incredibly easy out for the team that lost. Seattle stars Earl Thomas and the above mentioned Sherman are both hurting entering this week, and you can bet that every second question is going to be if they’ll make the game. Of course they’re going to play! And if they lose, you’ll probably hear something like, “Well we weren’t at 100%; the best team didn’t win.” That’s what I call, the “Peyton Manning Excuse.” Come on people, Peyton’s quad isn’t the reason they lost. Peyton’s quad didn’t force him to make all those poor decisions.

4. SpyGate (Ugh)

SpyGate. The most overhyped scandal in the history of professional football. At this point, there should be more outrage over the fact that a historically awful coach like Lane Kiffin can get back in the NFL after failing everywhere he’s been. You can bet after #DeflateGate that SpyGate is going to be a hot issue, and the Patriots will answer it with the same gusto as they always do. This thing is eight years old now, and the Patriots have paid their price, so let’s get over it. Get used to hearing terms like Cheatriots and Bill Belicheat.

5. Marshawn Lynch, Interviews, Cleats and Crotch Grabbing

At this point, it’s Marshawn Lynch vs. the NFL with all the things he’s done to piss everyone off. Last Super Bowl media week, he showed up for about 10 minutes a day and stood in the corner, going against his contractually obligated media duties, and it’s gotten even better this year. Lynch now responds to interviews with classic phrases like “Thanks for asking” and “Yeah.” In addition to that, Lynch has also been fined for wearing customized gold cleats and grabbing his crotch as a touchdown celebration. What this man does next, nobody has a clue. You’re just going to have to stay tuned, and “Do your job.”