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U of T? Pshaw!

Welcome to Harvard; no TA strikes allowed./ Daderot
Welcome to Harvard; no TA strikes allowed./ Daderot

The U of T is way too nice to students to be considered world class.

In light of the ongoing teaching assistant strikes at the University of Toronto, many renowned universities around the world are saying that this incident proves the U of T is not a world-class institution. The Carillon, using its sexual panther-esq reporting techniques, as well as some hefty gifts, managed to get interviews with the presidents of some of the most prestigious world universities and gets their insights on why Toronto does not have a world-class university.

“Really? They let these people strike?” said Harvard University president Drew Faust. “Here at Harvard, no one would ever think of striking. They either have their own trust fund set up for them, or we simply take away what meager financial support we bother to give them. No self-respecting university president would ever allow academic support staff to get away with striking.”

Clucking disapprovingly, Faust lamented, “I guess it just goes on to show that not everyone who’s on the top universities list belongs there. Really, they let ANYONE in these days.”

Oxford University Chancellor Lord Chris Patten echoed Faust’s comments about how the U of T’s ongoing strike placed it into disrepute.

Said Lord Patten, “We in Britain always knew that a university education is a privilege for the chosen rather than a universal right. I shudder at the times when we allowed the riffraff in; they were up to all sorts of demonstrations and activism. Now that this university is proudly off limits to all but the very wealthy, we’ve seen a noticeable decline in student activism. I mean, you won’t have much to complain about if you can afford to be here. Finally, education is as it should be.”

Upon exiting Lord Patten’s office, the Carillon’s reporter caught glimpses of Oxford security leading students off into some nearby woods, yelling after them, “And don’t come back, you deadbeats!” The security personnel in question refused to give a statement. Half an hour later, a bugle sounded and several riders clad in foxhunting gear and armed with muskets rode off into the very same forest with Lord Patten at the front, calling out, “Let’s hunt down those deadbeats! Forward! Tally ho, tally ho!”

The Carillon also attempted to contact the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, ranked 11th in the Times Higher Education rankings, but was told that “[their] admissions test is simple: what bank do you have an account with?”

When reached for comment about this reaction, U of T President Meric Gertler sounded exasperated as he defended the university’s weak exclusionary policies.

“We understand that to be an elite university, we need to start excluding more people, but it’s a difficult process. In Canada, you just can’t doom people to a life of homelessness if they try to get an education above their class; there are all these do-gooders who’d raise such a ruckus. I have no choice but to wait them out. Drew should know that not everyone can run a university in a country where the elites have successfully repressed the working classes.”

Gertler added, “God I hope Bill C-51 passes soon.”

About taras matkovsky

I am a fairly opinionated person, willing to listen to several opinions and intervene when necessary. I like reading books on economics and history and enjoy playing video games, be they Mario platformers or Western RPG's.