UR gonna get wet

Get ready for the water

Author: U of R Torture Commission

From the desk of the Eternal President and Vice-Commodore,
It has been brought to the administration’s attention that the campus paper, the Carlton, has begun publishing a “Leak of the Week” feature intended to bring shame to this administration. These leaks may appear as a negative to student observers, but there are two sides to every story.

We are aware of issues regarding so-called “leaky roofs”. The university’s capital and maintenance budgets are autonomous of one another so don’t even raise the question of this allocation of funds. As there is currently no maintenance budget to fix these leaks outside of “catastrophic incidents,” the University will be commissioning a granite and steel sign to inform students that the leaks remain. This new sign will be paid for with funds diverted from the Administration’s massive all-purpose slush fund that is coincidentally labelled “roof repair budget.” Students who wish to see the leaks fixed are advised to take selfies next to the new signage before it is replaced next semester with a larger, shinier sign you will not be allowed to touch.

Oh, and on a personal note, I think the severity of these so-called leaks have been blown out of proportion. There are no leaks here on the top floor of the Administration/Humanities building. Everything up here is kept beautiful and spotless, just like this administration’s record.

The arguments put forward by the Carilleon‘s Taylor MacPherson do not hold water, and he frankly sounds like a wet blanket – the kind of blanket we don’t tolerate around here. In the first part of our new Leak-Distractions Initiative, MacPherson will be subjected to public water torture on the Green next week. Students are encouraged to attend, and take selfies with the soon-to-be-disgraced News Editor.

We at the University of Regina believe in doing what is right for those who matter most: ourselves, and the construction industry. The administration is devoted to eliminating the academic jobs of the past, and creating the construction jobs of the future. The University of PCL Construction is proud of its work in creating a Keynesian hellscape on the Wascana, but there is always more work to be done (as long as it’s new work that will make us look good in the press, of course).

Administration is also proud to announce our new line of U of R Indoor Umbrellas designed specially for students! Made from repurposed student newspapers, these quality-waterproofing accessories are a must for all students at U of R. Seriously – they’re mandatory. The $95 cost will show up in your student fees along with this semester’s printer-ink surcharge. U of R Indoor Umbrellas: “for when we’re pissing on you, and calling it rain.”

Students in the soon-to-be-defunct economics program may be interested in our trickle-down leaks: we have disabled water fountains in the immediate vicinity of leaks, allowing rational actors the freedom to drink from a bag of ceiling-water.

While the university may be collapsing in upon itself faster than the last hour of Interstellar, there is hope. Once a building has collapsed from the weight of not being maintained, a new building will be erected with a whole new set of problems for the you know, what’s it called, the student paper, the Chamillionaire