Who will defend us from the homofascist hordes now?
Author: Bodie Robinson
It is with much weeping and gnashing of teeth that I announce Bill Whatcott’s emigration to the Philippines. Bill Whatcott—Canada’s most beloved pro-lifer and anti-gay propagandist par excellence—announced in an open letter earlier this month that he and his wife (yes, he has one) are moving to the Philippines for the “foreseeable future.” In an unexpected turn of events, Whatcott’s inflammatory and bigoted “ministry” allotted so many lawsuits and outstanding fines that the most humble Servant in Christ was rendered utterly unemployable by any respectable company in the whole of Canada.
In response to this befuddling twist of fate, Mr. Whatcott packed his aborted fetus banners, and his unread Bible, and flew coach into the setting sun toward The Republic of Philippines—a former Spanish colony, over 90 per cent Christian and one of the few predominantly Roman Catholic countries in Asia.
Mr. Whatcott’s ministry of misplaced hatred lasted over twenty-five years in our home and native land. In his open letter, posted Mar. 10, 2015, Whatcott stated that over the past quarter-century he had dedicated himself entirely to “fighting for a Judeo-Christian vision for Canada, especially in the areas of life, sexuality and family.” Mr. Whatcott’s two primary theological concerns were those of abortion and homosexuality.
As per abortion, Mr. Whatcott fought fervently for the preservation of human life forms in bodies that were not his. With inimitable resolve, Mr. Whatcott would frequent the parking lots of abortion clinics and display explicit photographs of aborted fetuses. As an aside, it was in 2000 that Mr. Whatcott travelled to Mexico in order to prevent an abortion law from passing in that country. Indeed, it is said that echoes of his anti-abortion chants can still be heard in all corners of Canada: “What is women’s bodily autonomy?”
Mr. Whatcott’s anti-gay propaganda was an astonishing feat of facile Biblical interpretation and comma splices. In fact, during Mr. Whatcott’s most recent visit to our house of lechery and homofascism, the University of Regina, I had the esteemed privilege to be gifted one of Bill’s famous ‘Gospel Condoms’. The Gospel Condom is perhaps Mr. Whatcott’s most covert and efficient method of propaganda. It is a pamphlet expounding the benefits of ‘gay-to-straight’ conversion therapy, stuffed inside what appears to be a condom wrapper. By Jove, I was only seconds away from performing a pre-marital penetrative act when I discovered Bill’s clever ruse. Instead of finding my preferred heavily lubricated strawberry-flavoured barrier device, I found a thorough and arresting essay on the virtues of renouncing the homosexual lifestyle and coming to live in the brilliant light of Jesus Christ.
In lending attention to Mr. Whatcott’s vast body of literature, no amount of reflection and praise could pay its proper dues. But at this point I would like to shift the discussion to the man behind the informational poster that looks like it was drawn by a seven year old. In his open letter, Bill professes what he considers his ministry’s crowning achievement. It was 1996. Mr. Whatcott was seated in his usual spot in a little pro-life office in downtown Toronto. The office was right beside an abortion clinic. A confused woman stumbled into the office, thinking it was the abortion clinic. Mr. Whatcott saw his opportunity: “ When the woman realized I was a pro-life Christian and not an abortionist, she took off running and my last words to her as she ran down the stairs was, ‘your baby is alive and moving inside of you.’ ”
Bill’s deeply poignant words stuck with the woman, apparently, and a few months later (so the legend goes), that woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Mr. Whatcott and his ministry may be gone for good. But, if we close our eyes and imagine, we might feel Bill—still alive, and still moving inside of us, all of us.