A Guide to YouTube Immortality
Article: John Loeppky – Contributor
So, you want to become a YouTube star. Well, you sir or ma’am are in luck. I have the tools that will get you either stardom or infamy.
Here are multiple ways to begin such an odyssey. The paths are as varied as they are treacherous. Old channels that used to have thousands of views and subscribers litter the paths, but you must persevere. See not the corpses of what once was, but instead what you can be. Strive for ridiculousness, strive for perfection, strive for the almighty AdSense revenue. Now, to begin:
Choose one of two paths:
a) The path of least resistance.
b) The path of the talented.
A word to the wise: It seems recently that whether on the first or second path, apperently the less clothing the better.
A) There are many different ways to traverse the first path. A trip to Dollarama will give you all the ammunition you need. On the other hand, creating an animal voiceover, giving yourself a concussion during the course of all manner of sports, and drinking before raising stupidity to heights thus far unrecorded are all good ways to achieve greatness. In this regard, multiple attempts are not your friend. We want a viral smash; we do not want a head smashing.
B) To achieve greatness you will first have to forget all your morals. Steal lyrics (everyone else does) and melodies are a dime a dozen on the Internet. Just don’t forget, you have to either make your efforts look really, really easy, or really, really hard. Under no circumstances should you show that anything you are doing is mildly difficult—that would require honesty.
The next stage is to plan your viral hit. When you do so, ask yourself this: If my grandmother watches this, will she disown me or treasure me? Hint: the most success comes with the former.
If you want to achieve that unrehearsed look use a cell phone camera. Even if you have nailed your junk on that railing seventeen times, the crappy video quality and tin can audio will make it seem like the first time, every time. To get that professional “I tried this hard so my father would finally love me” look, get yourself a crew (and by crew I don’t mean two drunk dudes and a film major.)
Once your video is uploaded and posted to every social media site imaginable, remember: the life of a YouTube star is fickle and, in most of your cases, nonexistent. However, always keep in mind that viral hits are not just for the likes of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke, but also for the semi-talented musicians, the demented half-wits, and the occasional geniuses. You probably aren’t that person, but I can’t wait to see your attempt anyway.