Bah! Humbug!
Pissmass
I’m Not Angry
Kyle Leitch
A&C Writer
The holidays have come and gone. I was right: they sucked. I got sick right around Dec. 23, and it’s an on-going battle. I don’t know why the miserly pricks like me can’t at least have our health to enjoy while all of those cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sacks of monkey shit that are so insufferably happy during this season don’t even get as much as a sniffle. Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
Now, being a week into a new year, you’d think I’d find it hard to be angry about something already. To the people who think that, I say: you haven’t been keeping up, have you? Actually, I’m kind of cheating. I’ve been hanging on to this anger for a little bit. Since I sort of missed writing about it when it was still relevant, consider this a spot of catch up.
On Dec. 21, 2012, the Mayan calendar ended. Conspiracy theorists, religious zealots, and full-blown whackaloons had been saying that the world was going to end for years preceding that date. And yet, to everyone’s great surprise, on Dec. 23, the world was still spinning.
My problem isn’t with the people who believed that the world was going to end. Have a blast with that. After all, you’re not necessarily wrong about the outcome, just the timeframe. My problem was with the assholes, so called “spiritual authorities,” who, up until 11:59 PM on Dec. 20, were making money preying on the fears of the stupid masses.
Look, making money off of stupid people is what keeps the juggernaut of commerce rolling. Without stupidity, the economy as we know it would grind to a halt. What irritates me is that so many people made so much money off of so much stupidity. For years! The only reason 2012 made so much money is because it attempted to satiate the human need for an ending. It’s the same reason people read books, play games, watch movies, eat a gallon of ice cream in twenty minutes – people want an outcome. And 2012 provided what would have been the biggest most final outcome of all. Deep down, I think everyone knew it was complete bullshit. But it didn’t matter. A shitty ending would still be an ending. But here we are, a week into 2013. The 2012 “spiritualists” are sitting on their heaps of ignorance-soaked bills, and laughing. All because they got rich offering a cheap ending.
So, here’s my proposal: the world is going to end on, let’s say, July 22, 2013. That’s when a calendar that I just made up comes to an end, so naturally, that’s when the world will end. On that day, the world is going to come to an end in the most horrifying fashion you can imagine. If you want to find out about how the world is going to come to an end, you’ll have to purchase the line of books that I have coming out. The first will retail for $39.95, and will include a signed Polaroid picture of me flipping you off. University’s not getting any cheaper, you know. And I’m not angry. Honest.
Photo by Tenielle Bogdan
I don't know why there's speculation on the world's end. Does anyone remember May 2, 2011. That's the day the world ended. Harper was elected with a majority and a great shadow descended on this country. It continues to darken to this day. If it wasn't the end of the world it was at the very least the end of civilized behavior.