Duplicate presidents

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If we want to find more funding for the Arts, we need to Dr. Timmonses

By creating more Timmons, we will create more funding.

You have heard, I’m sure, about the recent financial situation regarding the University, and the particular affects that it that it will have on the Faculty of Arts.  In the face of this situation, it is of the utmost importance for the individual departments contained within the suffering Arts faculty to generate more funds so that they can pull their own weight.  In this way, Arts would feel less of a financial squeeze as its departments become more self-sufficient.   

Therefore, I propose that the administration hold a “Vianne Timmons Look-Alike Contest” in which the department heads would compete. As vice-Chancellor and President of the University, Vianne Timmons is of course very busy, and therefore the department head that wins would stand in the place of Vianne Timmons at various events, and so she could be at two places at once, spreading the message of our fair but faltering University. The victorious department head would have to work two jobs, but it would be worth saving the department. The look-alike would earn a speaking fee or a portion of Timmons’s wage when representing her, whichever the administration finds more suitable. In these times of belt-tightening, the department head would obviously give the money to their respective department to ease the situation Arts finds itself in. 

This modest proposal does not only help the departments, but in fact it also helps the administration. Timmons is obviously critical to the functioning of this university, as she received last year around $40,000 in bonuses alone, so her importance absolutely must be duplicated. Thus, this proposal helps two factions that often are opposed to each other in the face of our current crisis. 

We have no time to waste. This University must be saved, and the ideas mentioned here must be enacted as soon as possible so as to be best prepared for the coming turmoil. 

Michael Chmielewski
Contributor

Photo courtesy top100women.ca

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