by Farron Ager – Oped Editor
It came to the attention of the Carillon that John Gormley, award-winning glorious supreme leader of radio and all-around handsome chap, was met with fierce protestors when he came to the university to give a talk on his new book “I’m Right and You Know It.” After a truly harrowing experience at the hands of three assailants, Mr. Gormley successfully subdued the ringleader of this insidious crew and continued to present his truly glorious piece of witticism completely unfazed.
Early into the presentation, Gormley was approached by a “burly man” and “two middle-aged women.” The intruders banged Aboriginal dance drums and presented the seemingly perplexed Gormley with a rubber snake, no doubt poisonous, as a gesture of unfathomable ill-will. Gormley, in fact undeterred by the balaclava-clad and feathered man, continued with his truly inspiring story much to the terrible man’s chagrin.
Yet, it was not long before the man became entranced by the magic that is Gormley. The leader of the group stood in admiration of Gormley’s forked tongue and continued to compliment it repeatedly during his discussion with the highest incarnation of radio. In his definitely worthwhile article entitled “Free Speech at the U of R Troubling” in the prestigious Leader-Post, Gormley recounts the event, saying, “Then, as he menacingly banged his drum with a gloved hand close to my face and deliberately swung the drumstick past my eyes, I realized that this wasn’t about debate – it was a calculated attempt to frighten me away and prevent me from speaking at all.”
Assuming a battle stance passed down the Gormley lineage for countless generations, our glorious spirit of the radio prepared to meet his attacker with force should the man be foolish enough to dare strike. Gormley imparts his wisdom to his readership, saying, “So I angle slightly sideways to give him less to hit and put myself in a better position in case I have to deflect the blow, pivot a knee into his groin and then counterpunch to take him down.”
Thankfully the will of Gormley prevented such a terrible happenstance to occur. Mr. Gormley continued to taser the assailant with his legendary wit no less than three more times for good measure before security arrived to escort the posse off of campus.
Our beloved institution has since formally apologized to Gormley for the actions of the burly man and two middle-aged women which, of course, is the only proper response one can take. Since the incident, our beloved master of the airwaves has reminded his readership of the university’s past misgivings. We mustn’t forget that the university has fallen prey to ne’er do-wells in the past, particularly the Commie Mutant Traitors forty years ago, who brandished baseball bats while interrupting a lecture.
We must not question why the Gormley has spared the university from utter annihilation but rather accept it and, in fact, celebrate it, as it is surely a gesture of his infinite mercy. Even though the lack of free speech on campus has troubled our ever-victorious lion, he still sees a possibility for good in the institution and has provided us an opportunity to better ourselves in the hopes of ushering forth a new generation of intellectuals capable of respecting the free speech of Gormley.
If there is one thing that we should all take away from this experience, it is that Gormley is right. Gormley is good and we should all follow his example and work to be more like him. May Gormley smile on you this day and for all days you find yourself in his presence.Image: Farron Ager