On the death of Grantland

Tears, everyone, just tears./ Screenshot by Brett Neilsen

‘Tis a sad, sad, day

It is with a distinct sense of sadness that those who consider themselves members of the sports community announce the sudden passing of Grantland Simmons also known as Grantland.com at the age of four, in Los Angeles, California. Her death is a mystery, and foul play should not be abandoned as the reason for her untimely demise.

Grantland is survived by her father, William J. “Bill” Simmons III. Though Grantland was estranged from her, she is also survived by her mother, ESPN. Also mourning are the many brothers and sisters (Bill Barnwell, Rembert Browne, Katie Baker, Kirk Goldsberry, and others) who contributed mightily to Grantland’s life. She will be sorely missed, not only by her family and friends, but also by those who enjoyed consuming good sports journalism, the field of which is now surely dead and gone.

Grantland was born as a twinkle in her father’s eyes, a journalism-crazed Bostonian who craved to give the world a website dedicated to the worlds of sports and pop culture. Joined in this endeavor by ESPN.com, Grantland was born. She began her life, like many newborns, cherished by each of those who got to help her find her way in the world.

Grantland’s first full sentence, “I love Tom Brady just like my daddy” was met with rousing applause from her father, and a stern-faced glare from her disapproving mother. ESPN was always worried about Grantland’s sports leanings, particularly as she started to trend further and further away from her second home of Bristol, Connecticut.

As Grantland began to age, both her mother and father seemed to distance themselves from her. ESPN started mentioning her less and less, and Bill Simmons began to become increasingly frustrated with the lack of parental support his wife was showing in their relationship. Recently, Simmons remarried to a woman named HBO and they have just given birth to their first child, the name of which we are unsure of, though rumours are swirling that it could be Weekly Show Simmons. Another possible name floated by some is that of Fuck You ESPN Simmons.

To Grantland’s credit, she continued, despite her parents’ fractured relationship, to produce quality essays in school. Talented with a camera, Grantland started producing multimedia features having only just learned to type, and ignored bullies that kept replying negatively to her many sports opinions.

Though her life was short-lived, Grantland made quite an impact on the world. She managed to bring together the warring factions of pop culture and sports, write eloquently on many-a-topic, and produce an influential documentary series.

In lieu of flowers, the family and friends of Grantland ask that each of those who cared for her send a letter, written in a sports writerly voice, to the head of ESPN, demanding his resignation. The family will not rest until the death of Grantland is solved, and it is very much suspected that president John Skipper is to blame.

Those who knew Grantland will remember her as a talkative and adventurous soul. Many thanks go out to those who have supported her family and friends during this tremendously difficult time.