I hate the holidays

Because what are the holidays without a scrooge

I’m Not Holid-Angry
Kyle Leitch
A&C Writer

Christmas sucks. Perhaps only Black Friday succeeds more at commercializing mass consumerism – if that’s even possible. People are trampled in the race for the hottest toys, fistfights break out over sales, and people are generally more irate than at any other time of the year. A quick scan of the news will show that it’s not the kids behaving like this. It’s grown, supposedly rational adults. Adults who “just want the very bestest for their children” and who aren’t afraid to kick in the teeth of their fellow humans to achieve it.

So, thus far, Christmas can be boiled down to the manifestation of humanity’s most basic desires to accumulate shit and enact mindless acts of violence on one another. Christmas can best be represented by the very earliest mating rituals—whoever proves their dominance by accumulating the most material possessions and establishing physical superiority wins. Well, I’m looking at a king sitting on a throne of cheap plasma TVs and broken human skulls, and I see another capitalist pig of a loser.

And the Christmas carols. Sweet Jesus, the Christmas carols. It’s like your aunt finally learned how to use Nero, and burned a “mix” CD of 24 artists covering “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry”. I like “Mary’s Boy Child” as much as the next guy, but I don’t need to hear it four consecutive times sung in the same way by different artists. Oh, and if I hear “Feed the World” one more time, I’m going to fucking snap.

And then there’s the television Christmas specials. Often, these episodes have no continuity or connection to an established story, and generally tend to riff on equally old and crappy holiday movies.

Why is it, then, that we continue to go so crazy over Christmas? Is it because of the prospect of getting gifts from people we hardly know or care about to show how much we’re appreciated? Or is it because that small percentage of people that can actually be civil and engage in the cheer of the holiday rather than the hand-over-fist greed of it? Hardly.

So, we’re expected to be on our best behaviour for one month out of the year, when most of us wouldn’t ordinarily take the time to piss on someone who was on fire during the other eleven. We’re expected to spread the laughably called “holiday cheer” for fear of a morbidly obese, crimson-clad geriatric not chucking a PlayStation down our chimney.

I don’t think I would have half a problem with the holiday if this attitude of kindness towards each other was encouraged year-round instead of just over the coldest months of the year. Maybe this anger is all misdirected, and I should just let people enjoy their holiday. But, where would that leave me? A broken, shuddering ball of hate locked away in front of a violent video game or two – actually, that sounds like most holidays I have. Carry on, then. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. And a happy new year. I’m not angry. Honest.

Photo by Tenielle Bogdan