The Carillon introduces four unique, imaginative designs of a potential stadium in Regina
On Wednesday, Sept. 19, the City of Regina unveiled conceptual plans for the new stadium. The designs for the new stadium, which have been described as looking like everything from a toilet seat to an ovum, have already cost the city $575,000.
Students have expressed a mixed reaction to the new stadium. “It kind of looks cheap.” Sarah Weild said. When asked if the stadium would fit in with the area it’s going to be built in, she responded “Probably, because I don’t think that area’s got the nicest buildings.”
“I think it’s pretty nice,” student John Erick said, “I like the glass design, but I can see where [people that think it looks like a toilet seat] come from.”
What most people agree on, though, is that the conceptual stadium design seems a little expensive for what the public has been shown. “I’m not an expert in architecture but that does sound high,” Jordan Ubbens said when asked if the cost was worth the design.
With that in mind, the Carillon introduces four unique, imaginative designs of a potential stadium in Regina. Each features some of the most important aspects of our city and solves some of the serious problems faced by any new stadium. Note to the City of Regina: We will accept payment in new computers for our office, plane tickets to the Canadian University Press National Conference in Toronto, or cold, hard cash.
Let’s be honest: the worst thing about going to any Rider game in the new stadium is going to be finding a place to park.
I’ve found an ingenious solution to this problem. Rather than trying to find a parking spot in an area already short on parking, this new stadium design will integrate parking and stadium into one. And I am not just talking about a connected parking garage, I mean literally having a gently-sloped parking lot inside the stadium where fans can park their cars and watch the game in the comfort of their own vehicles. Not only will this solve the parking problem, it combines tailgating with spectatorship and encourages people to carpool, thus being better for the environment. Green is the colour!
A the north end of the stadium, the largest HD video screen in the world (a sop to the whiny film industry) will provide fans with larger-than-life, play-by-play coverage of everything going on both on the field and in the Rider mall below the western parking lot. The mall allows fans to deck themselves, their cars, their pets, and their house in the green and white while spending way too much on their tenth identical Riders jersey.
In the southwest corner, a towering steeple rises above the stadium because, let’s be honest, Saskatchewan essentially worships the Riders and the new stadium must reflect that. Its 100-bell carillon will announce not only every touchdown, but every sack, first down, or challenged play. On game days, an all-bell rendition of “we got that Rider Pride” will call all faithful Rider fans to worship.
And for the truly faithful Riders’ fan, there is the opportunity to spend eternity interred with the Riders in the attached mausoleum for reasonable prices. Spending an eternity near the Roughrider greats is something any true Saskatchewan fan would pay several thousand dollars for.
The best part is that the stadium is entirely roof-ready, with a strong, stretchy plastic covering that can be pulled over the stadium provided in partnership with Glad Saran Wrap,
We begin with the Blackhawk-supported flying VIP party platform, complete with no fence. If the drunken businessman falls into your section, you have a chance to win a million dollars in Safeway’s “Freefall for a Million Ticket to Win It.” Mandatory advertising flashes brighter than any stadium lighting on the inner top ring. The outer ring is adorned with pyrotechnics cannons that deliver a 21 cannon-shot salute every time the Roughriders do so much as attain a first down. These cannons can also be militarized by authorization of Brad Wall if there’s a hint of political dissent.
The garishly large sign that proudly announces that you are in the Wall-Fiacco joint, Mosaic 2.0 is cleverly in the shape of the Roughriders’ logo itself. Flanking the only set of double doors into the stadium are tasteful classical Greek nude statues of some of the most legendary Roughriders players to ever grace the gridiron. On the left of the stadium sits the lone tree that the city planner would allow for. On the right, a crumbling wooden sign directing traffic towards the Saskatchewan Film Employment Tax Credit Memorial Parking Lot, a true and lasting legacy of Saskatchewan’s film industry.
Situated in the middle section of either side of the stadium, one can distinctly make out the ghost sprite from the original Pokémon games, which has been created by tinting the plastic seats different colours than those surrounding them. Why the ghost sprite, you ask? Have you seen the current proposal draft pictures with all of the ghosts that are to inhabit the new stadium? Fucking terrifying, man.
This proposed design is the ultimate combination of class, functionality, and bad-assery, and is the only clear choice for the stadium that can, nay, MUST be built in the city.
The first thing you may notice is the stadium’s iconic design which draws inspiration from Sir-Mix-Alot’s music video for “Baby Got Back”. The fans wanted a domed stadium, but we can do one better: the moon. Yes, it represents exactly what it looks like – dat ass. If the Lingerie Football League can exploit sexuality with the guise of athletics, so can the CFL. But, this concept serves more than purely aesthetic purposes; the cheeky design has a functional requirement as well.
Beginning in one corner of the field and serpentining as asymmetrically as possible to the other diagonal corner is Quance Street Two. Why would we put a functional street through the middle of a football field, you ask? Well how the hell else are we going to connect poorly planned strip malls and chain restaurants? Yes, the players do run the risk of getting leveled by a speeding suburban, but really, who doesn’t love the hard-hitting action that’s innate to football? Moreover, Quance Street Two will bring Applebee’s lovers to the stadium and football fans to Applebee’s; it’s doubleplusgood for business.
Next, we come to the constituency office for Sask. Party MLA Gene Makowsky situated just next to the main gates — reassuring fans that even though they can no longer live vicariously through the retired Riders, their lives can still be governed by them. I don’t even know if the new stadium will be in Gene Makowsky’s constituency, and frankly, I doubt if he knows either, but do you think he gives a shit?
Not pictured is the stadium’s dungeon for Sask Party critics, er, detainment area for rowdy fans, which is situated below the playing surface.
As with print media and YouTube rickrolls, the Roughriders will soon become obsolete. But hey, you, the taxpayer, are investing big money into this goddamn testament to football glory, so the province better ensure you get your bang for your buck. Having won their first football game this month, the Regina Rage lingerie football team seem like they might end up having a better season than the Riders. It won’t be long before sexually and emotionally frustrated Rider fans are forced to put their full support behind the scantily clad heroes of the game, and Mosaic Stadium 2.0 will become the official home of the Regina Rage. Which is really quite fine, I mean, the design already looks like a giant open-top ovum.
To help the girls feel more at home, I suggest the designers remove the Astroturf field and replace it with a bed of silicone breasts. Not only do the fans get twice the eyeful, but wedging the football between the cleavage of the boobs will surely make field goals easier. As Rider fans make the transition from loving the Riders to loving girl-versions of the Riders, they will eventually have to give up their symbolic testament to their dedication, the Roughriders logo. The next logical symbol of Saskatchewan pride is the mudflap girl. You know, the one that’s on the back wheels of all your obnoxious F-150’s. Yeah, her. Skylights will flash this symbol of football sexy times across the evening sky, a batman-esque “fuck you” to all the football dissenters. You traitors. But alas, these women must never forget their roots. Therefore, a large Roughriders football sperm will hover above the LFL ovum, reminding them of just how empowering their league really is.