See ya later, alligator
I always joked around that my farewell article would be some fire and brimstone, hell-raising, retribution-giving, damnation-extolling affair. But as I sit at my desk, away from my coworkers and friends, feeling like an abject failure as the work keeps piling up, I just want to give a few thank you notes, spend my extended two months preparing for the next person to take this amazing gig, and go raise trouble somewhere else.
Without Matt Wincherauk and Michael Chmielewski, I would not be here. Michael took a chance on a cocky cripple who quoted Boogie Nights in his sports editor interview because he had heard Bill Simmons did that once. He hired me, the kid who sat next to him in philosophy and tortured Dr. Omoyefa with our equal insistence that we weren’t wrong, without any hesitation (at least not that I ever heard). For that, I’m eternally grateful.
Matt, I will not take shots at your Celtics allegiances here, or run a photo next to all of your previous articles with TB12 in a Buccaneers jersey, but I will say: Thank you for always being on the end of the phone line to give me a calming voice when I wanted to scream into oblivion. My staff, and our legal budget, thank you.
Shaadie Musleh, thanks for the laughs and the indignation, both are exceedingly needed by me, now and always. D$, thanks for the brain damage jokes and the consistent check-ins. Former athletes/writer hybrids need to stick together. Taylor MacPherson, who probably won’t read this, thank you for teaching me what it means to think critically even when you’re angry. Also, Leak of the Week is still my favourite series and I didn’t even edit it. Alec, long may that beard and your journalism reign. Kyle, I have lived by your office credo – shit happens, then you die – I see it as a positive, it means this shit will keep on happening (insert URSU joke here). Mason, Taras, and Jae: I’m glad for your work just like I’m glad I know there’s at least one lawyer, one accountant, and one government employee in the world that I know I can trust. Laurèn and Neil, you’re both my favourite punks.
Michelle, you get to lead off a paragraph like any good copy editor should. Thanks for keeping this paper from resembling error-strewn cave walls for so many years. Andy Trussler, I’m glad to see you thriving in Edmonton, and I’m equally glad to call you a friend who I just so happened to work with. Elian, I hope the move from the Finnish national broadcaster to a feisty student paper was worth it, thank you for all that you did here and, more importantly, being my friend. Speaking of the carillon’s Quebec Bureau. Hannah and Kristian, without both of you I would not have made it this far. There quite simply are no words, in English or French, to describe how grateful I am to have met you both. Jael, thanks for putting up with shit and always being down to chat over challenging and problematic things, oh, and being our dog sitter. Jaecy, thanks for putting so much sweat into our paper and for being my most musical friend, I’m listening to your album as I write this, actually. Kon, you thanked me at my wedding for hiring you, the good vibes are mutual.
Okay, onto my current staff. At this point all of our readers have undoubtedly stopped looking so I can be as crass as I want.
Jacob, thanks for putting up with me knowing fuck all about numbers and keeping this ship afloat. You have steadied us through a shit pile of a pandemic and that is reason enough for me to owe you all the beer.
Kyle and Jon – being the person with the thankless job can’t be fun. Thanks for putting our damn rag on the stands with a smile.
Ty, thanks for handling the uncertainty of advertising with confidence and calm. It’s not easy to cold call a bunch of oddballs and ask for money.
Kate, Sarah, and Morgan: The covers, podcasts, and images are a key part of this paper’s identity. I’m glad we got to create together every week and all three of you took my wacky ideas and ran with them when I couldn’t (it’s my farewell article, I get to make as many cripple jokes as I want to, damn it).
Marty and Elisabeth, thanks for being our switch-hitters, always down to write about odd little topics that our editors thought would be a fun addition. Seeing both of you grow as writers and interviewers has been the great joy of working at this paper.
Ethan, you’ve written lots about lacking confidence, but I have always trusted you’d pull through at the end. The journo life isn’t an easy one, especially not while in the journalism school, but you have handled it well. We made it to the end without quitting my friend, go us.
Julia, though we’ve only known each other a short time, I hope you know that just like the rest of this weird Carillon brood, I consider you family – truly, and not in the capitalistic productivity sense.
Janna and Isaac, thanks for writing on such an odd schedule after only being hired a few short months ago. This paper is nothing if not resourceful, and you embody that.
Brian, it can’t be easy juggling swimming and writing about sports, but I appreciate all that you put in this year. It was nice having another athlete around to shoot the shit with.
Frank, thanks for answering my late-night texts trying to get things into some semblance of technical order. It’s a mammoth task and you’ve done well to manage it.
Ben and Holly, thank you for your time here, for your dedication, and your insights. I hope to see more of your words in this paper before you graduate.
Tyler, Kobe ain’t got nothing on you. Being a doctoral student and putting up with my shit takes a special measure of dedication.
Sara, the best advice I’ve ever gotten was to hire people who are better than you. “Awe” sounds too pretentious, so I’ll say I am consistently inspired by your writing, your will, and your creativity. This paper, and this city, are lucky to have you.
Taylor, when you were interviewed I said you’d end up spending your whole academic career at the paper and eventually switch over to English. I’ve never been so glad to be right.
Hannah, we’ve been friends a long time, but I appreciate that your work always stopped one of us from looking the absolute fool. Also, you deserve the last thank you because you have to copy edit something with all the commas.
To our contributors and board members, this unsteady ship doesn’t run without either of you.
The People’s Friend; The Tyrant’s Foe, I hope I’ve done you proud, everyone. If not, just tell the next person all the shit I got wrong, but wait until I’m out of earshot.