Negative transit-ion

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Bus #3, contract #221./ Michael Chmielewski

Bus #3, contract #221./ Michael Chmielewski

City aggressively pursues transit rate increase.

The Carillon’s investigative team (which has no relation whatsoever to the CBC’s I-Team, thank you very much) has uncovered a shocking new initiative coming from Regina’s City Hall.

Regina Transit, which city hall has often referred to as, “A pack of mouth-breathing knuckle draggers,” has been slow to increase the fees for service, which were announced to be increasing in January. In an effort to stimulate the fee increase, the city of Regina has begun actively decommissioning its aged fleet of busses.

One of the key players in executing this plan agreed to speak to the Carillon, under the guise of anonymity.

“The city hires me to cause accidents which total the busses,” explains the American-based contract vehicle killer George Sliprench. “The busses aren’t replaced, I get paid, and the city can charge whatever they want for fees…you’re sure my name won’t be printed, right?”

A document seized forcefully from the cold, dead hands of a city councilor corroborated with George Sliprench’s story.

“It is [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] city [REDACTED] transit. Something [REDACTED]…Must be [REDACTED]”

When we presented Mayor Michael Fougere with this staggering evidence, the mayor was quick to refute it.

“I have no idea who George Sliprench is, but we’re absolutely not willfully destroying city property,” Fougere said. The mayor then answered a text message, and giggled gleefully. “George bagged a NovoBus!” the mayor cheered triumphantly. “That man is an (expletive) genius! Did you know that NASCAR contracts him to orchestrate those swell pile-ups?” The mayor then began playing a game of what sounded like Flappy Bird, and answered no more questions.

The Carillon’s investigative team will bring you more on this story as it develops.

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