Roundtable – The most bizarre holiday of the year
Every day is Halloween when you’re a Rider fan /Image: anaerock.blogspot.com
Participants: Taylor Sockett, Paige Kreutzwieser, Autumn McDowell, Britton Gray, Braden Dupuis, Brady Lang
If you had to dress up as one professional athlete for Halloween this year, which one would it be and why?
Sockett: Alex Ovechkin, mainly because he’s the scariest looking athlete I can think of – a face only a mother could love.
Kreutzwieser: Anthony Davis, because a unibrow is a really cheap and easy costume.
McDowell: I could go as the female MMA fighter, Cyborg, but she’s far too scary and I don’t want to have nightmares. So, in that case, I think I would go as Calgary Stampeders butt wipe Jon Cornish. All I would need is a cone head mask really.
Gray: If I had to dress as a professional athlete I would go as Dennis Rodman because he already looks like he is out of a really bad B-Budget horror film.
Dupuis: I would dress as Zdeno Chara because Halloween is supposed to be scary and I’ve had nightmares about that God-awful mug with its hideous, gap-toothed smile and ancient fish breath. The guy is straight out of a book of ancient Halloween folklore.
Lang: As much as I hate the Stamps I could go as Jon Cornish, but I’d be afraid of how cold my ass would be after a night of it hanging out.
Which professional athlete would you say most resembles Frankenstein’s monster?
Sockett: Jon Cornish. That big old melon he sports on top of his shoulders possibly could have been a dug up buffalo head, however Frankenstein’s monster was much less of a douche bag.
Kreutzwieser: Anthony Davis, obviously.
McDowell: I think I would have to go with Washington Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin. Mostly because that is one ugly mug, and also because he walks just like the real monster – almost as if he has a stick up his ass.
Gray: I would say that the athlete that most reminds me of Frankenstein’s monster is Taylor Hall, a few years ago when he got sliced across the face with a skate. Did you see that scar? Scary stuff.
Dupuis: I’m pretty sure that Zdeno Chara actually is Frankenstein’s monster. Have you seen that face? His eyes aren’t even fucking level. Someone definitely rushed that job while they were reanimating his monstrous Slovakian corpse. Maybe they were too busy trying to bang the hump out of Lucic’s disgusting, unnatural back.
Lang: Zdeno Chara comes to mind, he definitely has the height and the facial structure.
If it was your job to pick the costume for your favourite professional athlete. What would you make them be?
Sockett: I would dress Matt Ryan up as Tom Brady. Maybe then my Falcons will stand a chance of winning.
Kreutzwieser: I’d make Joe Carter dress up as Frankenstein-Anthony-Davis because I think that would be amazing.
McDowell: I think I would make Edmonton Eskimos offensive lineman, Tyrone Novikoff, dress up as Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. One, because he was the biggest guy I could find on the Eskimos roster, of whom the Riders will crush this weekend. And, two, because I find Fat Bastard funny.
Gray: Well I would try to dress them up as something ridiculous, such as the pink energizer bunny. The funny part is that I think Erik Karlsson would actually go along with it.
Dupuis: I would put a mask on Zdeno Chara. Any mask. Because he’s ugly.
Lang: In spirit of the World Series and Big Papi, I think I’d need a few gallons of green paint and a white ripped XXL t-shirt to make him the Hulk.
Which professional athlete do you think could eat the most candy in a single sitting?
Sockett: Since sports editor McDeezy is not a professional athlete, I’ll have to go with Riders offensive lineman Ben Heenan. He looks like he could pack away candy like it’s his day job, which it kind of is.
Kreutzwieser: You thought I was going to say Anthony Davis didn’t you. Charles Barkley, circa 2010.
McDowell: The obvious answer is some type of sumo wrestler, but then I remembered that the person needed to be an athlete, so that’s out. My next answer would be any offensive lineman on any team. Perhaps they are still not an athlete, but at least it’s essentially their job is to eat.
Gray: Is there even a debate about this? Zdeno Chara looks like he can eat more than 20 normal humans, so some candy wouldn’t even be a problem for him.
Dupuis: Judging by his teeth, Zdeno Chara eats all the candy at every Halloween party ever. Zing!
Lang: San Francisco Giants first basemen Pablo Sandoval looks like he’s crushed a few Reese’s in his day. Couple pillowcases would do him well.
Which professional athlete’s house would you most want to go trick-or-treating at?
Sockett: Any one would do, they’re rich, and money equals copious amounts of candy.
Kreutzwieser: Always got to throw a Brian Wilson answer in wherever I can – A) he would have the most outrageous costume and decorations and B) is officially insane, so he’d probably have some interesting candy.
McDowell: They’re all filthy rich, so any of them would be pretty great, except for maybe Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane. I fear he would beat me up if I tried to take two candy bars instead of just one. Just to be on the safe side, I think I would want to go to former boxer George Foreman’s house. With a net worth of $250 million, surely he would be giving away those delicious looking grills.
Gray: I would want to go to Patrick Kane’s house because he would probably be throwing a raging party and I would hopefully get invited in and then just get drunk that night.
Dupuis: Kory Sheets stars in this year’s must-see Halloween spookfest, The Arrogance. When an egomaniacal demon possesses the star running-back, he devolves into angry, childish outbursts and a series of blatantly misogynistic tweets. Can Kory Sheets save his soul, and overcome The Arrogance? *Spoiler: No.
Lang: Alex Rodriguez’ house, could get PED’s in my treat bag and then egg his house for good measure afterwards.
