Sex toy sports 2.0: The fuckening

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The game whack-a-mole set in an arcade, with several eggplants edited to sit over the holes the moles would come out of
What people who receive unsolicited dick pics really want to do to those who send them image manipulated by holly funk on Canva

For those with more sex toys than sports equipment

It’s nearly been a year since my first Sex Toy Sports article, and I still haven’t heard from anyone who tried out the last set of games I proposed (as expected, but still…) so I decided to toss together a few new ideas. Here’s your fair warning: these are obviously not family-friendly games, but they’d be good for some laughs with the right crowd, and at the very least are fun to come up with. These games are dedicated to everyone with a competitive streak who happens to have more sex toys than sports equipment, and especially for those who like using objects in ways they weren’t designed to be used.

Whether it involves going to climbing walls or setting up your own rigs in the wild, rock climbing has been increasing in popularity for years. Now to avoid getting banned from a business forever I’d recommend not trying this first game at an actual climbing wall, but you’re all adults, so I’ll trust you to use your judgement in establishing the right setting. While this game’s instructions are simple enough, playing it successfully requires an astounding amount of compassion, perspective, and ability to compromise, making it the perfect combination of physical and interpersonal workouts. All you’ll have to bring to your location of choice is enough climbing gear for half the players, enough blindfolds for half the players, a dildo with a suction-cup base, and as many cock rings as there are teams.

The teams are made up of pairs, with the first player of that pair being a climber whose goal is to scale the wall – cock ring in hand – and place it over the dildo at the top of the wall. The winning team is the first team to get their cock ring over the dildo successfully, regardless of the number of slips or falls that occur. The catch? The climber is blindfolded, and only has the verbal instructions of their navigator (who stays on the ground) to tell them which direction to head in and where the next best grip spot is. In this game, dubbed Trust(or)fall, communication is key. The best approach to take would involve the navigator clearly outlining their perspective and what they identify as the next best option to their climber, while being receptive if they discover the climber is unable to fulfill that want, and altering their respective approaches to suit the circumstances of the other. Y’know, sort of like how good communication in relationships is supposed to work anyway.

For those who are maybe a little less sporty but are still competitive, love a laugh, and are looking for ways to get their blood pumping, I have a second game that doesn’t require near as much physical exertion as it does quick reactions and snap judgements. It was inspired a few months ago by the Canadian Health Agency’s promotion of glory holes as a way to socially distance during sex when COVID cases were quite high, and since you’re all responsible people who would never defy health orders, you all obviously have glory holes installed in your homes now. To avoid leaving them sad and lonely now that cases have gone down, here’s a game curated especially to increase its use.

To play, you’ll need a decent sized and very firmly placed glory hole set up with five holes drilled through, four strap-ons, a good sturdy paddle, one cucumber per round you plan on playing, at least six people prepared to play the game, and an additional person with a stopwatch or some other way to keep time. One person grabs the paddle – there’s no nice, orderly, civil decision making here, it’s whoever grabs it first – and stands alone on one side of the wall while another person grabs the stopwatch, and the other five file behind the wall with the strap-ons and cucumber. A rock-paper-scissors tournament quickly occurs among the group, with the winner grabbing the cucumber and the other four players on that side of the wall donning one strap-on each. The length and girth of the strap-ons and cucumber aren’t a main focus here – it’s how you use them that will make the biggest difference.

Much like whack-a-mole, Whack-a-Strap requires the individual playing to use their smacky-device to hit a target that pops through the holes; in this case, it’s the people wearing strap-ons who will be thrusting through the holes with the aim of being quick enough to avoid being whacked. The goal of this game for the individual with the paddle is not to hit the most strap-ons, nor to have the quickest reactions, but to see how long they can play (hence the stopwatch) before accidentally hitting the cucumber, which the rock-paper-scissors winner will be brandishing enthusiastically through the holes. The game is over once the cucumber has been paddled, or “whacked off” to use the technical term, and then players are shuffled so that each person in the group can see how long they’re able to last without whacking off.

Maybe you’re not the type of person who’s into playing sports with others, but you’re still curious about new ways to play with yourself – don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you. To end off, here are some specially curated ways you handy folks can enjoy your solo play time:

-Instead of learning to juggle with separate balls that fly all over the place when you, as a learner, inevitable drop them, grab some Ben Wa balls and learn to juggle the pair in each hand before scaling up

-Instead of booking massages or going to your scheduled physio appointments, invest in a vibrator that sends sensations real deep so you can DIY those sessions

-Instead of taking the time to learn how to bowl properly, perfect your granny-bowling stance by practicing while wearing an ankle spreader

-Instead of learning how to listen, communicate, and work as a team towards a collective goal, put on a blindfold and teach yourself to echolocate (and avoid further conversations from most who witness the process)

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